


Mockingbird

by kawaiikanai



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Chaptered, Con Artists, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 14:13:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3695360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiikanai/pseuds/kawaiikanai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is a con-artist and a thief by trade; finding the game of infiltrating people’s houses through trust and deception far more alluring than by sneaking around like a common criminal. When his next job leads him to find a treasure much more valuable than any jewel, he finds the boundaries of work and personal business to blur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The car pulls through the black iron gates, disturbing the gravel road leading up to the countryside mansion. As Ms. Pruess said, the structure looks like something out of the Rococo era, with some modern amenities here and there like the electronic gate and the intercom system that let him in. It’s a bit extravagant for Phil’s taste, but he hears Mr. Hertwick has a fascination with it. His career as a renowned history professor aside, Hertwick has spent the majority of his life dedicated to restoring this old mansion and modernizing it while still keeping the classic feel. It’s the very hobby that drove his wife to divorce him; his obsession too much for her to handle. The Renaissance, Rococo and Baroque, basically anything Victorian era he was well studied in, and it showed.

Phil parks just in front of the house, exiting the car and making his way up the marble steps; a set of elaborate double doors opening and a butler welcoming him inside. “Mr. Hertwick will be with you shortly. He’s currently wrapping up a business call.” Phil tells the man that it’s no trouble; stuffing his hands into his pockets and admiring the grand entrance hall. The ceiling raises up high and is accented with honey-gold curtains draping down to the floor. In between the curtains are small white statues, one of a lady with a floral crown and the other a bard of sorts, playing a lira.

“Stryker, I presume?” Phil turns to see a man in his late 50’s walking towards him, hands clasped together and a confident grin on his face. His sweater vest hugs his robust figure tightly and his receding hair is hidden poorly under a tweed hat.

“Yes, and you must be Mr. Hertwick.” Phil offers his hand and they shake, Mr. Hertwick gesturing for him to follow his lead. They exchange small talk about the drive here, Phil telling him that it wasn’t hard at all to find and that the view of the country is marvelous. He asks lots of questions about the surrounding area, whether or not the other homes sparsely scattered about were as grand as this one.

“Haha, I’m afraid not!” Hertwick boasts, “I’ve put a lot of time and effort into this fine property; as I well told you over the phone.”

The former Mrs. Hertwick said the same. It’s amazing how much money you have to blow away when you work for an Ivy League University and you’re also the proud owner of multiple off-shore oil rigs on the side. “It’s exactly the reason why I had to come see this place.” Phil smiles, “It’s even better than you described.”

Mr. Hertwick pushes open a small door at the end of the hallway, revealing a library with floor to ceiling shelves of hardbound books, a large fainting settee in the middle. He heads straight for a table beside the sofa, opening a decanter and pouring both of them a drink. “I must say, I was surprised to find such a young man showing interest in a piece of fine art. I didn’t think your generation was into such things; too busy with your iPhones and things.”

“Haha, well I can keep up with the times and still appreciate the classics.” A lie, but only a small fib. Phil actually has zero interest in whatever piece of art Hertwick has to offer him. Especially now, Hertwick stopping in front of a portrait he assumes is the piece in question for him to buy. A bored looking man clad in noble-looking garments stares straight ahead, one hand leaning on a fashionable cane and the other resting on the head of a hunting dog. It’s positively dull. “This is gorgeous!”

“Yes, it is.” Hertwick beams before settling back down. “But I’m actually having an artist commissioned to have my own portrait painted and I want to hang it in this very spot, so this one will have to go.”

“I see.” Phil nods, eyes taking in the rest of the room, pretending to ponder. This was the very study that Ms. Pruess told him about. She had told him about the painting in this room being available to buy and to make arrangements with Mr. Hertwick in order to ‘inspect the art in person’, when really it was the room that needed inspecting. There was something here; hidden. Pruess insisted upon it, because she had been allowed everywhere else in the house except here, unless her husband at the time was present. It wasn’t just a matter of having some ‘man cave’ to call his own or anything like that. He protected this place. It was quite interesting, so instead of bribing the help or something boring like that, Phil took the liberty to look around himself. “Now, what was the price range for the painting again?”

Hertwick names off a price and Phil almost spits out his scotch. He wouldn’t pay half that for this piece of crap. “That’s a very modest price.”

“I’d like to get it sold within a few weeks so it’s out of the way by the time the artist is here.” Hertwick sets his empty glass down on the table, turning back to Phil. “So, are you interested?”

“I’m very interested, but I’m afraid I don’t have the final say; the misses does.” He shrugs.

“Ah, I understand.” His response is laced with a hint of bitterness.

“I could call her up?” Phil suggests, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. “See if I can’t persuade her now instead of having to come back again.”

Hertwick agrees that that sounds like a fine idea and Phil dials. “Mr. Summers,” Ms. Pruess answers, “Have you done it?”

“Hello, sweetie.” Phil says with a charming lit, “I’m at that small chateau that has the painting I was telling you about? I’m looking at it right now.”

Ms. Pruess doesn’t miss a beat. “Alright, check out one of the bookcases on the opposite wall. One of the times I was in there I went to look at the books on that shelf and he jumped right up to stop me.”

Phil casually turns around, mindlessly walking towards the shelf in question. “Yes, I think it’s from the ladder part of the 18th century.” He rambles, “Broad strokes, defining colors…” He continues to describe the painting to his ‘wife’, looking back at the painting here and there as he slowly paces in front of the bookshelf. He runs a finger across the bindings of the books, pretending to fiddle absentmindedly as he talks while carefully watching Hertwick in the corner of his eye. “It’s a fine piece, Susan. I think it’d go great just over our mantle.” He takes a few steps towards the next bookshelf and he sees Hertwick begin to move a little closer, hand raising once before quickly putting it down. Nerves?

Phil’s fingers graze across the books at his eyelevel, mimicking reading the titles as he listens to the phone. “It must be in one of the books there. One of the bigger encyclopedias maybe?” Pruess tells him.

Phil doesn’t get a chance to check, Hertwick swooping in and blocking a section of books at the end of the row. Phil gives him a small smile, pointing to his phone and rolling his eyes. “Yes, I suppose I can come back again if you really can’t decide.”

Pruess sighs. “Damn it, alright.”

“Love you, too. See you when I get home.” Phil hangs up and turns to Hertwick. “It looks like I’ll need to charm her into the idea. It’d be a great help if I could take a picture to show her.”

“Go ahead.” Hertwick lets Phil take a picture with his phone before Phil stuffs it away again, taking mental note of where the nearest window is and where he could possibly access it from the outside. Once he’s set he thanks Hertwick for his time and assures him that he’ll convince his wife of the sale and be back in no time. “I’ll look forward to making a deal.”

Phil is once again ushered through the mansion and to the front door, hopping down the step to his awaiting car. Once well down the road he rings Ms. Pruess again. “He’s definitely protective of that particular shelf; and I doubt it’s over some rare books.”

“The necklace must be in one of those books.” Pruess curses.

“Don’t worry,” Phil chuckles, “I’ll head back there tonight and get you your necklace back before you know it.”

“I hope so.” Pruess breathes, “Your reputation is on the line.”

Phil smiles to himself. “I haven’t tarnished it yet.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil is a con-artist and a thief by trade; finding the game of infiltrating people’s houses through trust and deception far more alluring than by sneaking around like a common criminal. When his next job leads him to find a treasure much more valuable than any jewel, he finds the boundaries of work and personal business to blur.

The exterior is well lit but poorly guarded. Who really needs security all the way out here? One would never think their ex-wife would hire someone to infiltrate their estate in order to steal back a priceless family heirloom that was hidden away. Especially if you’re the kind of asshole who insisted during the divorce proceedings to not know of the item in question and later on claim to have ‘lost’ it.

As Phil creeps up against the outlying brick perimeter he sees a clear path from his position to under the target window. He almost feels bad that he’s doing this simple a job for the amount of money Ms. Pruess is paying him. Almost.

He waits for the single guard posted to stride around the corner before erupting from the bushes and dashing across the lawn, diving into the bushes again just under the window. The study was even on the first floor; so he’ll be in and out with enough time to get some gaming in before bedtime. He listens before peaking over the ledge of the window, seeing that the study is empty, as he thought it would be. An older gentleman like Hertwick probably didn’t stay up until the late hours of the night like he did.

Phil reaches up and gently pushes up the window, having made sure it was unlocked while he was still in the study earlier. If it were locked now he’d definitely be earning his pay having to sneak in the long way around. Once the window is open enough he slips inside, feet not making a sound on the carpeted floor. He carefully shuts the window again behind him before surveying the room. Nothing has changed since earlier in the day, so Phil assumes Hertwick hasn’t been back in here since they were here together.

He creeps towards the shelf from earlier and scans the titles, pulling out books here and there and flipping through them. Nothing out of the ordinary. It has to be here somewhere; his gut feelings are never wrong. Then he spots it; a blue bound book at the very end with Treasure Island written in gold. Phil has to stop from laughing at the irony of it, but pulls the book off the shelf anyway. The book gets stuck half way off the shelf and Phil feels the smirk crawl onto his face as the section of wall beside the bookshelf slowly swings inward. He was expecting hidden stash between the pages of the book, not entire hidden room. A very nice touch.

Phil peaks inside to see a flight of stairs leading downward and he pulls out his torch, flicking it on and casting the beam around. There’s a light switch on the wall, but he’d rather use as little light as possible. After pulling the wall shut behind him, he makes his way down, tiptoeing each step in case someone is at the bottom. After a few moments he begins to see a feint glow at the bottom of the stairs, prompting him to take caution. He reaches the final step and stuffs the torch back into his pocket before turning the corner.

Phil has watched many spy movies and tomb raider films where the protagonist is lead to a great chamber filled with gold or antiques covering every inch. Secret treasures that laid hidden until someone was bold enough to seek them and gain fortune. This was not that.

A bedroom lay before him, decked in royal reds and golds from corner to corner. A fire roars on one end of the room, crackling and sputtering under a rather well painted forgery of Fragonard’s The Bolt (he’d had to learn quite a bit about classic art in order to fool Hertwick convincingly enough). Opposite that, and directly in front of Phil, is a massive bed. It’s draped in dark red silk and accented with heraldry designs. The whole room would be a lot more impressive if Phil wasn’t distracted by the figure sitting idly towards the edge of the bed.

Their face is hidden behind the long hair pulled around to drape over their shoulder, a soft chestnut that catches the glow from the fire and turns amber. Their long legs are tucked up beside them, peaking out of the long black robe they’re wearing. The sheer fabric on the side teases at their otherwise covered figure, slender and pale. Their hands, only moving once to smooth out the fabric over their chest before clasping back together, are delicate looking.

Phil finds himself letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, straightening up before discreetly moving forward. He’s beside the person in question, but behind their periphery. If he’s quick, he can sneak up behind them and put them out of commission before they can alert anyone.

A small thump from the room above sends a spike of distress up Phil’s spine; and the person’s gaze turns towards the source of the noise. Their eyes go wide and before they can finish their sudden gasp at their intruder Phil is on them, pushing them back onto the bed and covering their mouth with his gloved hand. He pins them in place using his weight, his other hand grabbing one of their wrists before they can try anything funny.

The person’s body is tense at first, eyes round in shock, then as silence falls once again overhead Phil feels them relax under him. Phil raises an eyebrow, hidden under his mask. “I’d rather not have to be forceful.” Phil mumbles, still trying to be quiet in case someone may be coming down the stairs as he speaks. “I’m going to remove my hand, but if you scream I will shut you up.”

They slowly nod and Phil sits up, taking his hand off of their mouth. Phil’s tackle to the bed has disheveled their robe, it opening in the front to reveal that this person is in fact a young man, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. Upon his chest lies a necklace of green emeralds, too big and gaudy in their golden setting to suit him well. His eyes stare up at Phil, a slightly darker shade of brown than his hair and much harder. And those lips. Lips so luscious they beg to be stolen before Phil has to mentally slap himself to focus on the job at hand. “What are you doing down here?”

The man sits up, pulling the robe together to cover himself again. “I live here.”

“In the mansion?” Ms. Pruess never mentioned someone else besides her ex-husband and the help living here. Then again, maybe she doesn’t know.

“In this room.” He corrects, eyes moving around before training back on Phil.

He bits his lip, wondering just what the hell is going on here. An entire secret room hidden away in the depths of this mansion dedicated to this man? Phil looks around the room more now that he’s actually inside it and sees a small wardrobe in the corner, ajar to show multiply silken clothing just like the one the man is wearing now. A silver tray with empty plate and cutlery sits on the bench at the foot of the bed, used and abandoned from dinner. “So, Mr. Hertwick keeps you down here? Do the servants come down here, too?”

“Only master comes down here.” He says, “He brings me my food and things. Only he’s allowed.” The man’s voice trails off, seeming to realize the situation. “You should leave.”

Phil shakes his head. “I can’t. I came to retrieve something for my client.”

The man goes to say something when another thump is heard above, followed by footsteps. Phil curses at his lack of exits in this room; feeling cornered. The man grabs his sleeve, making him jump. “Hide!”

“Where?” Phil looks towards the wardrobe, sizing up if he can fit but the man shakes his head, pointing towards the drapery off to the side. He gets up and pulls Phil towards it, fumbling to untie the large robe pinning in back before it loosens and the curtain closes. Phil shuffles behind it, the heavy material pressing against his chest. He looks through the crack between the curtains and sees the man moving a chair to stand in front of where Phil is, better covering his position.

The man turns around towards the bed just as Hertwick comes around the corner of the secret entrance, which Phil now sees is cleverly hidden behind a landscape painting on this side. “Daniel?” Hertwick’s tone isn’t as cheerful and friendly as it was before, more low. “Why aren’t you waiting for me on your bed?”

The man strides towards Hertwick, a hand coming up to rest on the older gentleman’s chest. “I’m sorry, master.” The man says innocently, “I was getting restless and began to pace.”

“My dear gem.” Hertwick touches his cheek, Daniel leaning into it, “Could barely stand the wait, could you?”

“No, master.” He says, “You’ve been so busy; you barely visit me anymore.”

“I know, and I’m afraid tonight will have to be the same.” Hertwick’s face saddens. “I need to get to bed soon so I can get up bright and early tomorrow.” He touches Daniel’s nose, regaining his smile a little. “But don’t worry. I’ve ordered you a new outfit that should be here by the time exams are over. Then we can spend more time together again.”

“I’d like that.” Daniel agrees.

Phil holds his breath as Hertwick pulls the younger man towards the bed, moving the serving tray aside so he can push Daniel to sit down on the bench. “I’ll give you a special treat tonight since you’ve been so patient lately.” Hertwick tells him, hand once again going to Daniel’s face. His thumb brushes over his lips once before pressing down, making Daniel open his mouth. He closes his eyes, tongue darting out and licking around the thumb, making Hertwick hum in approval. “Mmm, do you like how my hand tastes?”

Hertwick removes his hand to let Daniel answer. “Yes, Master. You always taste so good.”

Hertwick smirks, fingers moving to undo his pants and Phil leans away from the crack in the curtain, covering his mouth. Who knew Hertwick was some closet pervert? His wife must have been completely oblivious to all of this while they were married. Phil wonders if this was one of the reasons why the divorce went by so fast as well. Hertwick had this beautiful young boy as some sort of concubine in the depths of his library; why would he want to stay with his wife when he had him?

Phil tries to tune out the sounds Hertwick and Daniel are making, a mix of hushed praises and coaxing underlined with muffled moans. He really wishes he didn’t have to be here for this, but there’s no way he can escape without being seen. He’ll have to wait until they’re done, grab the necklace, then sneak out the way he came in. Fortunately for him that isn’t a long wait, Hertwick letting out a groan as he finishes. Once Phil stops himself from gaging he looks through the curtain again. Hertwick has fixed himself up, pants done up again like nothing happened. Daniel has leaned back against the bed, hair a mess and face red. His hand is wrapped tightly around his cock, and within a few seconds has finished himself, beads of cum barely missing his robe. Hertwick smirks down at the young man before pressing a quick kiss to the flustered man’s forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning, precious.” Hertwick carries the tray towards the doorway and closes it behind him, leaving the two of them alone.

Phil pushes the curtain aside along with the chair as Daniel stands up, jogging across the room and through a small door in the corner. A tap runs water and he can hear the man coughing. Phil slowly ventures over, entering a small bathroom. Daniel is hunched over a sink, a glass of water in hand as he rinses his mouth out, swishing, spitting, then repeats. He then grabs up a toothbrush and brushes rather roughly, making Phil concerned. Daniel finally finishes what he’s doing and stands there, leaning on the edge of the sink with his head hanging.

Phil takes a step closer, his hand barely touching his shoulder. “Um, are you-“

Daniel jumps, springing away from him and grabbing his chest. It takes him a moment to collect himself, catching his breath. “S-sorry, I forgot you were…” Daniel’s face runs pale, his eyes casting down. “I’m sorry you had to see…”

Phil can only shake his head, not really knowing what to say about the whole situation. “Do you…” He bites his lip, wondering if it was even his place to get involved with whatever the hell all of this is. “How did you get here?”

Daniel shakes his head, grabbing a portion of his hair and running his fingers through it nervously. “I- I’ve been here for a few years now, I think.” He says, “It could be less, it just feels like a long time.”

Daniel tugs his hair a little, shrinking into himself. Phil offers a hand but the man cringes away from him and he takes a step back. “How about we go sit?” He nods once and Phil exits the bathroom first so Daniel doesn’t have to edge around him. Instead of going over to the bed, Daniel sits on the plush fur rug in front of the fire, arms hugging himself even though there’s plenty of heat radiating off the flames.

“As far as I know, Mas- Hertwick bought me.” Daniel starts once Phil has sat down next to him. “My mum worked for some high-end prostitution business and one of her clients got her pregnant. She took care of me for a long time; that is until someone took a liking to her and offered to buy her out and become her sugardaddy.” Daniel goes to fidgeting with his hair again, “Thankfully, the business was kind enough to not kick me out once my mum left, but I was too young to earn my stay for long… I didn’t-“ He presses his lips together, eyes beginning to brim with tears. “I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t want people to use me like that, but- Hertwick caught wind of me and I guess he offered enough money to the business that they ‘overlooked’ me being under age.”

“And you’ve been here ever since?” Phil asks, almost not believing Daniel’s story.

He nods. “I fought him at first, told him I didn’t like being touched.” Daniel’s hands tremble against his chest, a tear slipping down his face before quickly wiping it away. “But he taught me to behave. He punished me until I obeyed. He especially liked when I’d recite some of the books I’d read for some reason. There wasn’t much to do at the business except read the old books that were there. Voltaire, Shakespeare, Dickens…”

“Hertwick loves his history…” Phil mumbles.

“The quicker I learned what he liked, the better he treated me.” Daniel continues, the words coming out in wavers now and Phil feels the urge to comfort him but he doesn’t know how. “He’s not as rough with me and he rarely hits me. As long as I do everything he asks, he doesn’t hurt me.”

Phil looks over the poor man, wondering just how he’s been able to live this long without breaking down. Phil could never be that compliant given if he were in Daniel’s situation. He’d have kept on fighting until his last breath, but Daniel swallowed his pride in order to live. If you could call this living.

He can’t help but feel that the world is cruel to have thrust Daniel into this life, never having control over what he did and constantly being under someone’s thumb. “Daniel… What would you do if you were free?”

Daniel looks at him a moment, a flicker of emotion in his eyes before it’s snuffed. “I’ve never thought about it. Hertwick said if I ever tried to escape he’d find me and make sure I could never leave again.”

The notion of Hertwick doing that to Daniel makes Phil’s blood boil. Before he can stop himself he’s standing up and marching over to Daniel’s wardrobe, opening it more and scanning what little clothing is inside. He spots the one normal bit of clothing there is, a fuzzy bathrobe, and snatches it.

Daniel stands up to meet Phil coming towards him. “W-what are you doing?”

Phil tosses the robe to him and Daniel barely catches it. “Put that on. You’re coming with me.”

Before Daniel can answer Phil is moving to the opposite end of the room, grabbing the bench and tipping it over, pulling the sheets off the bed, and even knocking a lamp to the floor. “I’ll at least make it look like there was a struggle. You’ll be kidnapped, not a run away.” Phil looks back at Daniel to see that he hasn’t moved a muscle. He’s just stood there, frozen. “Get that robe on; it’s too cold out for you to be running around in basically lingerie.”

Daniel still doesn’t move, just stares at him with more tears flooding down his face and his mouth hanging open. Phil sighs and goes over to him, carefully reaching a hand up. He soothes out Daniel’s long hair, parting it to gather around either side of his neck. He takes the robe out of his hands and helps him into it, like a limp doll. He cinches up the tie around the waist and it even has a hood he pulls up onto Daniel’s head before he leans down to look him in the eyes. “Do you have any shoes? Loafers?” Daniel’s eyes seem to register him now, looking over his face before silently shaking his head. “That’s ok, it’s only a short walk to my car.”

Phil holds out his hand, offering for Daniel to take it. “Do you want to stay here or come with me? Now’s the time to escape.”

Daniel looks down at Phil’s hand like this is all some elaborate trick and if he takes it Hertwick will pop out of the corner to punish him. So much rides on Daniel trusting some stranger and Phil understands that. Daniel must be in total shock and suspicion right now.

Daniel begins to place his hand in Phil’s before Phil let’s out an ‘oh!’ of realization, making him jump. “I almost forgot.” Phil reaches behind Daniel’s neck, Daniel stiffening before he hears the clasp on the necklace he’s wearing come undone. Phil pulls the heavy piece of jewelry off of him and carefully places it in his pocket. “This bloody thing was the whole reason I came here in the first place.” Phil pulls out his torch and once more offers his hand. “It’s now or never, Daniel.” He says, “Do you want to come with me?”

Daniel hesitantly takes Phil’s hand and Phil is quickly moving towards the large painting, opening up the hidden passageway and pulling Daniel with him. Daniel pauses at the first step, looking down at it like there’s an invisible barrier, but once Phil squeezes his hand Daniel steps onto the cold stone step. Phil turns on his torch and follows the steps up, only stopping once they get to the top. He presses a finger to his lips, telling Daniel to be quiet as he listens for movement. The study beyond the wall sounds abandoned for the night, and after carefully pushing it open he’s met with the same darkness as when he’d first snuck in.

He looks back at Daniel to check on him and he looks positively frightened, eyes darting around the room and twitching at every house creak and rustle of leaves outside. Phil motions for him to follow to the window and they both crouch down in front of it, Phil not moving until he sees the guard pass by. After counting a minute he slides the window up and climbs out first then turns around to Daniel. He urges him outside and Daniel hesitates before shakily sticking a leg over the sill. He clumsily sticks his other leg out and all but falls into Phil’s arms before he straightens up again, shying away from his touch.

Phil grabs his hand again. “We’ve got to run to the other side, ok?” Daniel acknowledges and follows Phil in a low dash across the lawn and to the bushes on the other side. Once there it’s easy; the two of them darting to the other side of the road and into the field on the other side. The tall shoots of wheat hide them well as Phil makes a beeline across the way, making sure to hold Daniel’s hand tightly as to not lose him. About half way through he begins to shiver and Phil offers an arm but Daniel shakes his head. Phil sighs, pulling Daniel along a little faster until they make it out of the field.

Phil’s car awaits him exactly where he left it and he unlocks it with his remote, opening the passenger door for Daniel. Once inside himself he turns the car on and the heat up full blast, directing most of it towards Daniel’s legs. “Let’s get you warmed up, yeah?” Daniel just sits silently, huddled up in the leather seat. Phil pulls the car onto the road and starts the journey home, glancing over to Daniel every so often until he sees his head lull to the side and his eyes close.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil is a con-artist and a thief by trade; finding the game of infiltrating people’s houses through trust and deception far more alluring than by sneaking around like a common criminal. When his next job leads him to find a treasure much more valuable than any jewel, he finds the boundaries of work and personal business to blur.

He cracks his eyes open and is met by blinding light, immediately shutting them and pulling the covers up over his head. It’s odd, though. His blankets feel rougher, heavier. His legs are constricted as he stretches and he smells something like aftershave. A moment passes before he sits up all at once, taking in the strange surroundings. The room is brightly lit by the sun beaming in from the all windowed wall on his right, tall buildings cropping up around the horizon. The room is sleek with angles, the furniture looking modern yet made with dark wood that gave each piece a personality of its own with swirls and knots. A large TV mounted on the wall faces him, turned off so he can vaguely see his reflection in it. He looks down at himself to find he’s wearing different clothes; a pair of sweat pants and a simple shirt.

Getting up, he wanders over to the window, feeling the sun on his skin and letting out a hum of content; but when he gets up close he makes the mistake of looking down. The bustling street is far below and he feels himself tipping back before falling on his bum, feeling dizzy.

Footsteps from outside the room, then a low voice behind him. “Daniel?” He turns to see the stranger from last night approaching him, eyebrows drawn in concern and kneeling down next to him. “Are you ok?”

“Y-yeah.” He tells him, taking the help in standing up. He’s never been up this high before. He feels a little ill from vertigo, having being used to living underground for so long. Whenever he looks at the window he can almost feel the floor swaying under him.

“I’m glad you’re finally awake.” The man offers a smile, “I was about to make some lunch, if you’d like some.”

Daniel is about to say no, he doesn’t think he can eat right now, when his stomach betrays him with a growl. He agrees to follow him to the kitchen, taking in the place as he goes. Besides the bedroom he was just in and a bathroom he sees through a door in the hall, the rest of the place is very open. The kitchen is separated from the living room only by a breakfast bar, an even larger TV and sectional sitting off to the side.

The man gestures for him to sit and Daniel does so, the man taking a stool next to him. “I didn’t get to tell you my name yesterday before you passed out.” He smiles, “I’m Phil.”

“Phil.” Daniel repeats, finally being able to put a name to this man. The man that has essentially taken him from his life with Hertwick. He hadn’t even known what he looked like last night, his face mask covering all but his eyes. There was something in those eyes that made him trust him last night. The idea of escaping had always been a dream, but the solidity in those baby blues made him believe him. Now that he’s in his own home he sees that Phil is years older than himself; defining jaw and a mop of jet black hair. His eyes are just as piercing as last night; maybe more so in this better lit area.

“Mhm. By the way, can I just call you Dan?” Daniel nods, “Great. I guess all the adrenaline from last night wore you out quick ‘cause once you fell asleep I was even able to get you into proper clothes without you waking. I hope you don’t mind, but you were freezing.”

“It’s fine.” Dan tells him, “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Phil stands up and starts to work around the kitchen, grabbing utensils and ingredients from a cupboard. “Now, I’m not the best cook, but I can make some pretty good spaghetti.”

Dan watches quietly as Phil cooks, so many questions and thoughts running through his head that he doesn’t know where to start. He spots a clock on the wall that reads one o’ clock. Hertwick surely would have gone downstairs to bring him breakfast a while ago and seen that his bedroom was empty. He wonders how he reacted. Did he merely get upset? Did he throw a fit? Will he look for him? The thought makes Dan begin to worry and he can’t stop his breathing from speeding up, his chest feeling tight.

Phil notices Dan’s panic and stops what he’s doing, coming around to his side of the bar. “Dan, what’s wrong?”

“What i-if Hertwick finds m-me?” Dan stutters, trying to take deep breaths. “If he finds me he’ll punish me for sure. He’ll get the rod again and-“

“Hey, look at me.” Phil grabs Dan’s face and makes Dan look at him. He wants to rip himself away at first, but Phil’s eyes tell him to calm down. “Hertwick will never know you’re here. You never even have to think about him again. I promise.” Phil lets go of him, “It’s my job to make sure I do what I’m hired to do and leave without a trace. I was hired to get Hertwick’s ex-wife’s necklace back, which I did. Hertwick will think it was a simple robbery and that you were taken as hostage or something during. He won’t have a clue where to start looking and he’ll never find us. I’ve never been caught in my life.”

Dan wants with all his heart to believe him, but the worry still sits in his head, making his heart palpitate. “You should have left me.”

“There’s no way I could have done that.” Phil shakes his head, getting up to check the boiling noodles. “You were like a bird in a cage down there; born in captivity so you haven’t felt what it’s like to fly.” He says, absently stirring the pot. “The thought of it in itself scares you, I understand. But now that you’re out of that cage you can spread your wings as much as you like and sing as loud as you want. It may take a little while to get used to, so I’m not going to push you from the nest or anything.” Phil sets the spoon down and turns back to him. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”

“I-“ This man has done too much for him. “I don’t want to impose. I already owe you so much.”

Phil waves him away. “I don’t want to hear it. I’ve more than enough money from my job to support two people, so you’re not imposing at all; and I’m not letting you step foot outside this place when you haven’t a pound to your name or a clue as to where to go.”

Dan opens his mouth, then shuts it, hand going to his hair and combing it with his fingers. The act has always calmed him for some reason. Hertwick had insisted he let his hair grow out and to take care of it, so he guesses the motion is just repetitive and familiar enough to be soothing.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Phil corrects himself. “You’re not stuck here. I just want you to stay where it’s safe until you can get used to your independence and are stable on your own two feet.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want this to just be a bigger cage.” Phil reaches across the counter and takes Dan’s hand away from his hair, holding it between his own. “I want this to be a home for you. You’re safe here and I’ll be taking care of you, ok?”

Dan stares at their hands together, nodding. Will this be where he finally feels at home? This skyscraper apartment in the middle of the city with an older man he just met yesterday? Phil seems like a good guy, though that’s just compared to everyone else in his life. The rude men he hid from back at where his mum worked and then Hertwick. Of course Phil is a saint compared to them.

Hissing spurts from the stove top and Phil lets out a little yelp, letting go of Dan’s hands as he stops the pot from boiling over. Once he turns the heat down he lets out a little chuckle, tongue poking out between his teeth. “Ok, I might be bad at making spaghetti, but it’ll still taste good!” He swears.

Once everything is cooked and Dan digs in he has to agree, it does taste good. He never cared for the meals Hertwick had brought him. He couldn’t name half the fancy dishes or even what some of them were. He preferred the simpler things like chocolate or maybe even a good cup of coffee. He hasn’t had either in years. As he finishes his plate and Phil shows him where he can soak in a relaxing bath, he feels himself growing fond of the idea of staying here with Phil, if just for a while.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil is a con-artist and a thief by trade; finding the game of infiltrating people’s houses through trust and deception far more alluring than by sneaking around like a common criminal. When his next job leads him tofind a treasure much more valuable than any jewel, he finds the boundaries of work and personal business to blur.

“Ms. Pruess,” Phil throws on his business smile at her door, “A pleasure.”

“Mr. Summers.” Ms. Pruess steps aside to let him in, automatically following her to her office just like the first time he was here. He closes the door behind them and sits opposite her at her desk, setting down the small box he had in his hand and pushing it towards her.

Pruess opens the box and lets out a sigh of relief, hand over her heart. “I never thought I’d see this again.” She picks up the necklace and turns it in her hands, admiring the gleam under her desk lamp.

“As contracted you can transfer the other half of the money to the same account as before.” Phil stands up and shakes her hand. “It was nice doing business with you.”

“I’ll be sure to recommend you if the chance presents itself.” Even her eyes are smiling now. That necklace must have really been a family heirloom as she said.

Phil wonders what would happen if he told her about what happened in the study; about the secret room with the hidden treasure inside. She’d be appalled in the least. He almost asks her about it, then thinks better of it. No need to let her know that he knows about it. Better to play ignorance.

After that, Phil heads home. Loosening his tie in the elevator up to the apartment and letting out a deep sigh. The days following a job are the best. He can relax in the satisfaction of a job well done and treat himself to a few purchases here and there.

He enters the apartment, throwing his jacket and tie over the back of the sofa and looking around. “Dan?” He follows the hallway to his room to find Dan asleep on his bed, remote setting lightly in his fingers and some cartoon he doesn’t recognize on the TV. He looks so vulnerable like this, lips parted and hair fanning out on the pillow. He takes the remote and turns off the TV before setting it down on the table. “Dan, hey.”

He nudges Dan’s arm and he stirs, eyes cracking open and staring ahead before training on Phil. He sits up, rubbing his face with the back of his hand. “Hmmm? You’re back?” He asks groggily.

“Yeah, I’m all done talking to Ms. Pruess so I’m officially done with my work.” He tells him, “I’ll be taking the next week or so off until I find another job.”

He nods, pulling up the covers a bit. “So, what now?”

“Well, I was thinking we could go out.” He suggests, standing up and going over to his closet. He always enjoys being able to slip into more casual clothes instead of the usual suits he wears. He finds a plaid shirt and some jeans and throws them on the bed, going back to the closet to find something for Dan to wear. “We could go to the bookstore or a coffee shop; whatever you like.”

“It’s really okay to go out?” Dan says, turning away as Phil sorts through the hangers.

“Of course.” Phil pulls out his old uniform shirt from school, surprised he still has it but it looks like it might fit Dan. He grabs another pair of jeans out and a belt before closing it. “Do you want to go out? It can get a little busy on the streets.”

“Yes!” Dan almost shouts before covering his mouth, surprising Phil. It’s the first time he’s spoken at a volume louder than a mumble. “I mean, yes, I want to go out.”

“Alright then,” Phil smiles, handing Dan the clothes before moving to his dresser. He hopes Dan doesn’t mind having to wear his underwear as well; but it’s not like it’s not cleaned or anything. Dan hadn’t been wearing any when he was at Hertwick’s, so right now he’s going commando under his lounge pants. He throws Dan a pair and leaves him to change, taking his own cloths to the bathroom.

Dan eventually comes out of the bedroom fully dressed, looking a little uncomfortable but excited none the less. Sagging jeans aside, he looks great in the clothes Phil gave him. Dan’s fingers play at the bottom button of his shirt. “Um, is this ok?”

“Yeah, you look perfect.” Phil assures him, coming over to straighten his collar. He scrunches his lips to the side, though, looking over Dan’s hair. “We should probably get you a hair appointment, though. It’s lovely, but a little out of place, you know?” Dan’s hair is almost like a girl’s; length aside its natural waves are sleek and soft. Shampoo advert models would be jealous.

“Um…” Dan twirls the end of his hair around his finger.

“Or not, whatever you want.” Phil doesn’t care which way Dan wants, just so long as he’s comfortable; he just thought people might stare at him a bit too much if he leaves his hair as is. “Here.” Phil goes to a cupboard by the door and pulls a box down from the top, rummaging through it. He finds what he’s looking for, a plain black beanie he usually wears in winter time, and hands it to Dan.

Dan gathers up his hair into a messy top bun before Phil pulls the hat onto his head, smoothing out the stray strands until only a small bit of fringe sticks out in front. “Much better.” Phil tells him. “You look a lot more normal now.”

“I do?” Dan perks up and Phil offers his hand, guiding him to the bathroom where he could stand in front of the mirror to see himself. Dan is nervous, daring a peak at his own reflection, but when he sees himself he can’t stop from staring. He hated seeing himself in those frilly, silky outfits before. He hated knowing that he looked that way because Hertwick told him to. He had been a doll to be dresses up and played with. Now, he looks like anyone else. He could go out and people would think nothing of him.

Phil opens up a cabinet and takes out a small case that Dan sees is for his contacts, removing then and setting them inside. Phil then goes to his bedroom, retrieving a pair of glasses and pushing them onto his nose. Dan likes how they frame his face, making him look even more mature. “Ready?”

Dan affirms and they set out of the apartment, taking the elevator down which makes Dan’s stomach flip a little. He feels much better once he’s on solid ground in the lobby, following Phil through the revolving doors and being met with the loud ambiance of the city. Car horns and dull chatter are everywhere, a stark contrast to the eerie silence of his former room. There he could only hear the light crackling of the fire and the occasional sound of classical music being played from the study.

“The bookstore isn’t far. Do you want to walk or take a cab?” Phil asks.

Dan wants to enjoy the cool air filling his lungs and the plethora of people passing by, so they decide on walking. Phil makes sure to walk slow and keep beside him as Dan takes in all the sights and sounds, his eyes not knowing where to look next. There’s clothing shops and restaurants, street vendors and performers. Everyone is on their way to do something or meet someone and Dan begins to wonder what each person’s story is. Look at his past and how normal he looks now. Do any of the people that pass him have similar stories; or possibly even more bizarre ones? He’ll never know.

Dan keeps on walking even when they reach the bookstore and Phil has to grab his arm to stop him. “We’re here.” He laughs, and Dan breaks out of his daze. It’s a rustic little shop full of new and old books alike. There are places for people to sit and read and a small coffee shop off to the side, light indie music being played from it.

Phil lets Dan lead the way now, going immediately to the classics section. Phil hasn’t read many himself, although he’s at least heard of the more popular ones. “If you want any, feel free to grab a copy.”

Dan looks at him with wide eyes. “Don’t say that; I’ll take the whole shelf.”

Phil has to stifle a laugh, trying not to be loud. “Then grab one of each then. Like I said, I have plenty of money and have no clue how to spend it all.”

Dan looks over the books like they’re candy, picking out Carmilla, Faust, and a few other titles. They even have a big compilation book of all of Shakespeare’s plays that Phil takes from Dan before he becomes too encumbered. The lady at the checkout raises an eyebrow at the collection, but scans them anyway, fitting them into two paper bags. Dan hugs the bag with his Shakespeare book to his chest, feeling a small warmth of comfort just from having a copy of his own again.

Phil suggests coffee and Dan jumps at the suggestion, sitting down with the books at a small table as Phil orders their coffee. The smell of his coffee makes his smile grow, not wanting to wait for it to cool to taste the sweetness but also not wanting to burn his tongue. He blows the steam away while looking at Phil, who’s taken one of the books and is reading the back of it. “So, you really don’t spend a lot of your money, do you? I mean, your apartment is pretty modest as well.”

Phil shrugs. “I like my apartment the way it is. If I had some huge flat to live in I wouldn’t know what to do with all the space and it’d feel too empty.” He explains, setting the book down. “Besides, sometimes I’m away from my apartment for days. I don’t see the need in spending my money on a big place that I’m not at all the time.”

“I see.” Dan tests his coffee, thinking about Phil being away from the apartment for days at a time. It’s not like he’s not used to being alone, but the place still isn’t familiar enough for him to be comfortable wandering around it on his own. It’s Phil’s apartment that he’s letting him live in. He doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries or do something Phil doesn’t like.

“I do put a lot of my money back into my job, though, so I like having a lot to spare just in case.” Phil tells him, taking up his own coffee. “Buying information or supplies, whatever I need.”

Dan wonders just what Phil’s job title is. It’s obviously involved robbery, for starters, so what else has Phil been hired to do? How did he even get into whatever business this is in the first place?

They finish up their coffees, Phil asking Dan about some of the books he’s read. “You can really quote Shakespeare?” Phil leans forward, resting his chin on his laced fingers.

Dan doesn’t bat an eyelash. “Things base and vile, folding no quantity, love can transpose to form and dignity: Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore is wing’d Cupid painted blind: Nor hath Love’s mind of any judgment taste; wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste: and therefore is Love said to be a child, because in choice he is so oft beguiled.” Dan recites the lines perfectly, earning a few awestruck looks from the other customers around them.

“You’re wonderful.” Phil breathes, and Dan feels his face begin to flush, wishing Phil wouldn’t look at him so fondly. Phil is a kind man, but to feel that sort of affection from him… it sends a familiar creep up his spine and an unsettling taste in the back of his throat. He doesn’t know what to say in return, so he just plays with his empty cup.

Phil’s face falls a little. “I’m sorry, that was too forward.”

Dan shakes his head, not meaning to offend Phil. It’s not his fault Dan’s only encounters involving compliments have been toxic.

“Let’s go somewhere else.” Phil breaks the awkward moment, standing up and pushing in his chair. He hadn’t meant to let his comment slip out, but watching Dan recite Shakespeare so effortlessly like that was all but breathtaking. Who knew this timid man was so intelligent and well versed in such things. He said he’s memorized those things and could quote them, but he’d thought it’d be one of the simpler lines.

He really needs to watch himself with Dan. Just looking at him makes Phil want to coddle him and hold him until he feels at home, but besides taking his hand he doesn’t like physical contact. He has to restrain himself from touching his smooth skin and soft hair, even though they almost beg to be caressed. He looks so frail, yet is so strong from what he’s been through and Phil feels the urge to wrap him up and tell him how magnificent that is, but he can’t.

They stop by a clothing store and Phil helps Dan pick out some clothes of his own; some nice shirts and pants and a leather jacket that fits snuggly around his shoulders. Phil takes a moment to collect himself as Dan goes to try on a few more things, sitting down on a bench outside the changing rooms. He needs to reign himself in before he makes Dan too uncomfortable.

The sun begins to set and Phil says they can order some Chinese once they get home. Since they’re so weighed down with bags, they hail a cab back to the apartment, Dan watching as some of the streetlamps start to turn on and the traffic on the pavement lessens. Phil orders them Chinese and they enjoy it in front of the TV, Dan picking a movie for them to watch as they eat. His eyes begin to feel heavy and it’s not long before Phil is telling him to go to bed.

Dan agrees and slumps down the hall, slipping out of his shirt and jeans and crawling into the plush bed. “Say, Phil?” Phil pokes his head through the doorway, seeing Dan and averting his eyes. Dan snuggles down under the duvet, covering himself. “Um, where are you going to sleep?” He hadn’t thought about it, but he’d woken up this morning alone. Had Phil slept beside him in the night?

“On the sofa.” Phil points with his thumb like it’s obvious, and Dan feels his anxiousness subside. “Night.”

“Goodnight.” Phil switches off the light for him and heads to the living room, getting comfy under his makeshift covers but not quite ready to sleep yet. He starts watching some random anime on Netflix, hoping the slow pace of the one he picked can lull him to sleep.

It’s about three episodes in when he hears a noise. He pauses the TV and listens, it coming from the bedroom. Had Dan called him for something? He gets up and strides down the hall, flicking on the light before pushing open the door and peering in. “Dan?” He hears shuffling, but no response. He enters the room and Dan has thrown off the covers, tossing and turning. He lets out a groan, burying his face in the pillow. “Dan, hey, are you ok?” He shakes Dan’s shoulder lightly, “Dan.”

Dan wakes up, a look of confusion on his face. “Huh?”

“Were you having a nightmare?” Phil asks, concerned.

“N-no, I-“ Dan clamps his mouth shut, curling up his legs with his hands between them. He had been having a much different dream than a nightmare. It’s the first night in what seems like forever that he hasn’t gotten off, making his subconscious heavy with need. He’s so used to getting worked up by Hertwick then releasing himself after. As much as he hates himself for it, his body knows the routine and begs to be satisfied. Now he’s in this new place with different company… Company that he actually likes and wants. It’s gotten his mind reeling and body pumped with excitement for so many different reasons that his consciousness doesn’t know how to focus it except in this way.

Phil sees Dan’s face flush and his attempt to cover his lower half and he realizes all at once the situation. “Oh, I- Sorry-“ He fumbles with the blanket, pulling it once again over Dan to cover him. “I’ll just- The bathroom’s down the hall if-“ He shuts himself up and leaves.

He lands back on the sofa, pushing his hair back and trying to regain control of his pulse. The sounds Dan made and his lustful face before he’d woken him… God, it affected him more than it should have. His eyebrows were scrunched together and his lips had parted to release that whiney moan and fuck if it hadn’t sounded perfect. Phil presses his palm against his track pants, hating that just those few things had turned him on so easily but it seems that Dan has had that effect on him. He wants to hear more of those sounds and be the one to make Dan emit them, but he can’t. Dan’s been through enough already without another guy coming on to him and having sex with him. He’s got to learn control.

Dan sits up in bed, his erection not going away and starting to hurt. No matter how embarrassed he is right now, he needs to fix himself before he can even try to get back to sleep. He carefully gets up, hoping Phil doesn’t hear him actually go into the bathroom to help himself. The cold air of the room makes him grab his shirt from earlier and put it on, pulling it closed but not bothering to button it. He cracks the door open and patters into the hall, tip toeing towards the bathroom.

A deep sigh and the sound of rhythmic motion stops his hand on the knob, making him turn towards the living room. He follows the sound to the sofa, the back of Phil’s head peeking over it. He knows what he’s doing before he even has to see it, a small heat flooding him as Phil’s hand touches himself through his trousers and his breath catches after a longer stroke. “Fuck, Dan…” Hearing his name in such a desperate voice makes his cock twitch, his hand going to grab himself as well. He shouldn’t be turned on by someone wanting him. He should be revolted as usual, running back into the bedroom and locking it for his own safety, but instead his feet bring him closer.

Phil doesn’t hear Dan approach until he opens his eyes for a moment and sees Dan climbing over the back of the sofa next to him. He jumps, covering himself as best he can. “Dan, what-“ Dan doesn’t say anything, swinging one leg over Phil’s lap and settling down on his legs. Phil bites his lip, grabbing Dan’s arms and keeping him at bay. “No…”

“Why?” Dan scoots himself a little closer, the bulge in his pants finally able to rub against Phil’s and they both moan from the contact.

“Because-“ Phil chokes, trying his best not to rut up into Dan. “I shouldn’t- You don’t have to…”

“But you want to.” Dan grabs Phil’s shirt, pressing his forehead against his and gaining eye contact. “You want to and I need to.”

Phil can taste Dan’s breath and it takes all of his might not to crush his lips against his, to grab his hips and pull him closer and feel every inch of Dan. “That’s not the point.” Dan lets go of Phil’s shirt and lets his hand slide down his chest to his pants, fingers brushing over Phil’s crotch and Phil bucks up into the touch before he can stop himself. Dan ducks his hand into his underwear, pulling his cock out and properly stroking himself in front of Phil. “Fuck…” Phil breathes, an almost pained expression as he watches Dan.

Defeated and desperate, Phil pulls at the waistband of his track pants, giving himself some actual friction and letting out a shaky sigh of relief. Dan looks down and lets out a small whine, letting his head fall forward onto Phil’s shoulder. Phil pulls away Dan’s collar, his shirt falling around his elbows as Phil grazes his lips across the skin before him. Dan twitches at the touch and Phil stops, but a hand goes to the back of his head, urging him to continue. Phil litters Dan’s neck and shoulder with gentle kisses and little love bites, Dan’s hips becoming erratic and his hand moving faster.

Dan feels himself drawing close and he can’t help but tighten the grip on Phil’s hair, thrusting into his own hand as his knuckles bump into Phil’s repeatedly. Phil leans back, taking in the wanton look on Dan’s face. He wants to see those plump lips around his cock. He wants to make Dan writhe under him in the same desperation he’s in now. “God, Dan…” He runs his hand down the younger man’s bare chest, “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Dan groans, breath catching as he starts to come onto his hand. Phil pumps himself urgently, Dan’s fucked-out face bringing him over the edge as well. He works himself through his orgasm and catches his breath, looking up at Dan who’s also been calming down. After a few moments Dan tries to stand up but his legs won’t let him, shaking and falling back down onto Phil. Phil grabs Dan’s arm and helps him climb off, standing up after him and helping him wobble down the hall and to the bathroom. He helps Dan clean up, fixing his clothes and washing his own hand as well. Dan doesn’t say anything; doesn’t even look at him. He hasn’t a clue what he’s thinking.

Dan climbs into bed once again and Phil pulls the blankets over him. “Go to sleep this time.” Phil turns but Dan grabs the hem of his shirt, pulling him towards the bed. Phil bites his lip, looking at the empty half of the bed before gingerly taking Dan’s hand off of him. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.” Phil swears Dan’s face becomes sad, and he allows himself to brush a bit of hair away from Dan’ eyes before placing a small kiss to his forehead. “Goodnight, Dan.” Phil then leaves the room, closing the door all the way behind him so the only illumination in the room is from the full moon outside the window. Dan stares at the dim light under the crack in the door, eyes burning with tears, until he see it go out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm late on this chapter I just got out of the hospital.

The next few days are quiet. They don’t bring up what happened; neither of them knowing how to broach the subject. They exchange small talk here and there over meals or Phil asking Dan about his stack of books he’s already dug into, but nothing meaningful. They steer clear of any kind of touch and eye contact is rare.

Dan continues to relieve himself every night, burying himself in the fading smell of Phil lingering in the sheets. At first he tried to keep quiet, moaning into his hand and biting his tongue, but he began to hear the same type of sounds coming from the living room again and he couldn’t stand holding back. They both knew what the other was doing and used it to drive themselves further, then the next day pretending like nothing happened.

This goes on until the night Phil is busy on his desktop, fingers typing a mile a minute. Dan’s heard the clacking of the keyboard behind him for a good hour now, being able to zone out the sound as he reads Wuthering Heights. After a while he gives his eyes a break and lets his curiosity lead him over to Phil’s desk. Multiple tabs are open and Phil seems to be writing quite a bit into an email. “What are you doing?”

Phil glances up at him, pausing his typing. “I’m doing some research for a job and sending a report back to the customer.” Phil explains, moving the mouse to close a few tabs. “If they like what I’ve found I may be leaving for a few days.”

Dan stiffens, hugging his book to his chest. “A few days?”

Phil presses his lips together as he finishes his email and sends it, bookmarking a few tabs before closing them. It’s been less than a week since Dan has been living here. He hates to leave him alone, but then again they could both use a little breather. He can feel the tension in the air between them and going out on a job will help him work some of his stress out. “You can order whatever food you want using my card while I’m gone…”

Dan’s fingers go to his hair at the thought of talking to strangers. He wouldn’t know what to say and he’d flub all his words. “Um…”

“Or I can just set up a catering service.” He suggests instead, “You can pick out the meals you want delivered on what day online and all you have to do is get them when they arrive.”

Dan agrees with that plan. The less interaction with strangers the better. “How long is a few days?”

“However long it takes to get the job done.” Phil tells him, shutting down the computer and standing up. “It’s usually never more than a week tops, especially with this type of a job. You can rent movies on the TV or go down to the bookstore and buy more books-“

Dan shakes his head furiously. “No, I want to stay here.” Phil tells him that’s ok. Dan doesn’t think he could handle going out on his own. He’d get lost in the crowds of people outside and it’d all just be too much. He’d much rather stay inside with his books. They’re his true escape from reality, letting himself sink into each story and almost becoming the characters he reads as. “I’ll be ok on my own.”

Phil worries if he really will be, but he reminds himself that Dan was alone a lot before.

~

In the end, Phil gets the job and starts packing a suitcase full of clothes for his trip. He packs a separate bag with camera equipment and things that look like little microphones that Dan wonders about but supposes he shouldn’t ask. He stands idly by while Phil packs and sets the luggage by the door, ready to grab in the morning on the way to his flight. Dan thinks of hiding one of the bags so Phil has to search for it until he misses his flight, but then shakes his head at how stupid and childish it sounds.

Why does his chest hurt at the thought of Phil leaving? It’s only for a few days, Phil said so himself. He’s used to being alone; the only interaction being at night when Hertwick would see him or to bring him food. They never talked then, really. A few select words from Dan to please Hertwick and that was usually it. The rest of his time he didn’t speak a word. Even when he was with his mum he spoke little to her. She’d feed him and occasionally bring him books to keep him occupied, but when she wasn’t working she was resting up and taking care of herself; so he was left to his own devices. Now the thought of having no one to talk to made him feel… lonely. He’s been alone his whole life but never actually felt lonely and it scares him.

They eat together the night before Phil leaves, but few words are spoken. Phil tells him that he’ll be going to bed early that night since he has to get up early tomorrow and Dan offers to let him get a better night’s rest using his bed. Phil graciously declines, insisting that the sofa is just fine and Dan lets it go, taking care of his things and taking his book to the bedroom.

He tries his best to read but his brain wont register what his eyes are looking at on the pages and he shuts the book with a clap, sighing. He can faintly hear the sound of the treadmill in the living room, Phil jogging at a leisurely pace. Dan gets up and goes into the hall, stopping at the end of it and watching Phil. He hadn’t taken Phil for one to work out much, but he said his job can get active sometimes so he likes to keep up a certain level of fitness.

What is it about this man that’s been able to rile up so many feelings in Dan in such a little time? Is it merely his kindness? Has he fallen victim to some sort of ‘knight in shining armor’ complex? Phil plucked him up and took him away to a safe haven where he can do whatever he wants and is treated like a special guest; who wouldn’t feel a certain level of gratitude? Dan has pondered on it, but in reality he can’t say it’s just gratitude he feels.

Dan walks into the living room and Phil sees him, pressing a button on the treadmill and making it start to slow and stop. “Hey, did you need something?” He asks a little out of breath, grabbing the towel he’d set aside to wipe himself of sweat.

Dan is quiet a moment, looking at the man before him; his lean figure and bare chest, his hair pushed back out of his face. He grabs his glasses and puts them on, waiting for Dan’s reply. He steps off the treadmill and just barely touches Dan’s arm. “You ok?”

Dan steps forward, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist. The same sent that had been laced in the bed sheets wafts over him, a mix of musk and whatever cologne Phil had put on earlier that day. He breathes it in, pressing his face against Phil’s chest and not caring that he can feel the sticky sweat on his skin.

Phil doesn’t know what to do at first, grabbing Dan’s shoulders but not pushing away. “Dan…”

“Don’t be gone too long.” He mumbles, squeezing a little tighter.

Phil lets the words sink in before wrapping his arms around Dan’s shoulders, his lips pressing to the top of his head. “I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can.”


	6. Chapter 6

The hotel door slams behind him, not caring about the other people down the hall that he may wake up. He all but yanks off his tie and throws his suitcase on the bed, followed by himself as he lets out what feels like the biggest sigh of his life. He eyes the mini fridge sitting under the television, but tells himself he needs to calm down and think straight first before he starts freaking out too much and needs a drink.

He’s done plenty of missions like this before; gaining info by sneaking around and planting little tech toys here and there to observe the people in question. He actually finds these kinds of missions funny, hearing some of the conversations people have and learning some of their dark secrets. People are really weird sometimes.

Tonight, for the first time in his career, he regrets taking a job.

He’d been hired to dig up anything controversial he could find on a wealthy bank owner by someone from a rival bank. Easy enough; and who’s Phil to chide them for playing dirty? It’s business, for the bankers and for him. He spent his first day simply following the target around, learning his day schedule and where he goes.

The next day he stayed back while the banker went off to work, taking liberty of his empty house to look around for anything gossip worthy. His client wanted his competition on the front of the newspapers and for all the wrong reasons, so he needed something good. After a thorough search, however, the most he found was an unsavory porn collection. Gross, but nothing report worthy.

He decided to copy down a few odd looking appointments and dates from the target’s calendar, hoping to find something of interest in the days to come. The lunch he had scheduled for the following day left him empty handed; it being just a normal meeting with an associate at a café with overpriced soup and sandwiches. Phil was more appalled at the receipt for his meal than he was at anything the target had done.

Phil was riding on the date at a local restaurant that night to yield something of use. He really didn’t want to stay away from home any more nights. The room he booked was nice, but the bed felt too hard and there was never anything good on the TV to help him unwind once he checked in. There was also no one but the receptionist in the lobby to greet him; which just wasn’t the same.

He dawned the best suit he’d packed and took his rental car to the place, arriving roughly 15 minutes before the target and his date were supposed to meet. He even paid the concierge a hefty tip to tell him where the couple will be sitting, and a little more to get him a table near them, no questions asked. He waited to order his drink before making a trip to the bathroom, sneakily pressing a small microphone to the underside of their table as he passed by.

On his way back he saw them arrive through the doors and he double checked his earpiece, steadily hearing their voices grow as they’re seated. Everything was set up nicely and after Phil’s order was taken he focused on listening and watching them carefully. It was mostly light talk, a few little flirty touches here and there and Phil could see the lady’s leg brushing up against the man’s under the table. Phil cursed himself, starting to think that this was a waste of time just like the lunch meeting.

As he began to eat their conversation finally started to pick up. The woman mentioned something about an ‘allowance’, hinting that there was something in particular she wanted to buy. Without hesitation, the man pulled out a checkbook and scribbles on it before passing her the slip of paper with a smile. She takes it, touching his hand and looking deep into his eyes.

There’s something about her, Phil decided, that seemed familiar. The way she moved, or maybe the way her smile curled to one side. Was she a former client of his? It’d be funny if someone who had hired him in the past was now getting spied on by him; but he didn’t think that was right. An old classmate perhaps from university or even high school? No, she looks a bit older than him.

It wasn’t until she laughed at one of his jokes, twirling her finger in her hair and leaning over the table that Phil felt the chill go down his spine. He pulled out his phone and made sure it was on silent before snapping a picture from under the table, pulling it up and looking at the photo. He zoomed in and took a closer look, her features coming together more and more in his head before he had to shove his phone away and take a deep breath. Thankfully the dinner didn’t last much longer after that and he was able to follow the two of them back to her house, a lush suburban home just outside of the city. After taking note of the address he was finally allowed to go back to his hotel room and gain a few hours of restless sleep before morning.

The next day he devoted to following her around on her shopping trip while digging up a little info on her house and history. What he found almost solidified his assumptions and made him even more uncomfortable with this job.

Phil opens his suitcase and pulls out the candid photos he’d taken earlier with his more professional camera; the images clearer and better able to see the woman. Her hair is what threw him off and made him not realize who she was at first; but as he looks closer he can see the dark brown roots under the mess of blonde. Her eyes are the same as well, wide and dark.

There was no longer any doubt that this ‘Annabel Todd’, formerly Elizabeth Howell, is Dan’s mum. The house she lives in is registered to her, but the money paying for it all come from her lover; same with her cars and other expenses. Her name appears on file seeming out of nowhere just a few years ago, but with a little hacking and plugging into the right databases Phil found out where she came from. Elizabeth Howell definitely hadn’t lived the best of lives, a report of her running away from home when she was 15 then basically dropping off the grid after that. She popped up again briefly before quickly changing her name and trying to erase her digital past.

Phil throws the pictures back into his suitcase before shoving it to the floor, kicking off his shoes and crawling into bed still dressed but not having the energy to change. He pulls the chain on the lamp beside him and closes his tired eyes, telling himself that it’s none of his business. A part of him, though, wants to storm over to Todd’s house and bust down her door, shouting at her about how much of a failure of a mother she is. She abandoned her only son in some escort ring to go live the life of luxury. Dan went through so much because of her, being raised in that place and then being taken by some old pervert. She makes him sick.

Dan is such a kind young man and smart beyond his age. It hurts to know of where Dan came from and what he’s been through. Phil wonders just how Dan didn’t turn out bitter or more withdrawn than he is. He’s shy, yes, and it took him a while to warm up to Phil, but they talk just like regular people now. He’d even like to believe that Dan trusts him to an extent, even if it’s just a little.

But even after all Dan’s mum put him through, can he really use her as dirt for his client? It’s still his mum for god’s sake. He feels terrible using someone linked to Dan for his own gain, but this is exactly what his client wanted. No banker would want the public to know of his affairs with a former escort. The newspapers would have a hay day and his client’s competition would take a hit to his reputation that he may not recover from. The job would be done and Phil would make out with enough money to be set for the rest of the year. The only casualty of this job would be Phil’s self-respect.


	7. Chapter 7

The click of the front door opening alerts Dan, not even realizing he’d fallen asleep. He doesn’t move, though. Phil doesn’t deserve being greeted home properly after how long he was gone. Dan missed him and is glad he’s finally back, but he’s also miff with him.

The first day or so was fine; taking advantage of the quiet house and reading until his eyes burned. The only bother was having to answer the door for the meal deliveries, but to his relief the man that delivered them wasn’t talkative so it was merely ‘thank you’s and ‘have a good day’s.

After a while, the emptiness of the house became more unsettling than relaxing. The quietness was too quiet and he found himself commenting aloud about his books to no one just to hear a voice. He finished up his stack of books by the fourth day and he no longer knew what to do with himself. He wanted someone to talk to; someone to fill the flat with laughter and humming and just the buzzing sound of life.

He hears Phil drop his stuff near the door before kicking off his shoes and coming in, footsteps heavy and heading his way. The sound stops just behind him and there’s a pause before Phil’s weight makes the sofa dip down behind him. He’s so close, Dan can feel his warmth resting against his back and it takes so much strength not to make the first move and grab him and pull him down to him, but he has to stand his ground.

Phil leans down towards him and a chill runs down Dan’s spine. What is Phil doing? He thinks Dan is asleep… is he using the opportunity to try and make a move? He holds completely still as Phil slowly tucks his arms under Dan’s body, embracing him. A deep sigh comes from Phil, along with the whisper of “I’m sorry.”

Dan finally opens his eyes. “You should be.” He grumbles and Phil stiffens, sucking in a breath. “You said it’d only be a few days.”

Phil moves away from him, peering down at him and biting his lip. “I know. It took a little longer to get the information I needed.”

“Did you get it then?” Dan asks, motioning to sit up and Phil moves away to let him.

Phil opens his mouth to reply then shuts it, turning away. Is it something he can’t talk about? There are a lot of secrets in Phil’s line of work, so Dan isn’t surprised that he can’t always talk about what he’s doing on a job.

“Um, yeah, I did.” Phil stands up and starts to grab his things that he left by the door, rolling the luggage to his room. Dan follows for no other reason than to be in the same room as him, sitting on the bed cross-legged and watching as Phil sorted out his clothes and put them away. Once done, Phil takes a seat next to him, staring down at the floor. “I thought about something while I was on my flight.” He almost whispers.

“What?” Dan wondered.

“I was thinking we could go somewhere.” He says, finally facing Dan again.

“Like the bookstore again?” Dan suggests, “I’ve almost finished the ones I got before, so…”

“I was thinking more like the Germany, France, Rome.” The idea takes Dan by surprises. “Italy, maybe? Or anywhere else you can think of?”

Dan tries to read Phil’s face, but all he can see in it is uneasiness; or is it worry? He can’t tell. “Why such a big trip suddenly?” A thought strikes him. “You’re not in trouble are you?” He grabs Phil’s hand that’s resting on the bed beside him. “Did something happen while you were on the job?”

“N-no, nothing like that.” Phil assures him, “I just- A vacation sounds like a good idea right now, doesn’t it? Get away from everything, see the sights?”

“Yeah…” It would be nice to go travel somewhere. Before, running off to somewhere unknown sounded like the scariest thing in the world; but with Phil it sounds like an adventure more than an ordeal. “Actually, I heard there are good art museums in France.”

“Is that where you want to go?” Phil asks, cheering up a little at the prospect of Dan actually wanting to go along with his plans.

“Yeah, I think there’d be more to do there than just beaches and stuff in Tahiti or wherever.”

“I’ll book the trip right now, then we can get some dinner. Then movies, ok? There’s supposed to be nothing good on TV the next few days.”

“Um, sure.” Phil leaves the room, presumably to go to his computer, and this time Dan doesn’t follow. Phil’s acting strange. He was skittish and now it’s like he’s back to normal just like that. Did nothing really happen on his trip? Dan decides to set his worries aside for now and just relish in the fact that Phil is finally home and that they’ll soon be spending time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter my uploads will be slowing down. I had a little stockpile of already written chapters and this was the last one. I've been busy with the baby and just haven't had the time/brain power from lack of sleep to write properly lately. I'll be trying to get back into the swing of things as soon as possible and would appreciate any input you may have on this fic that may help me get out chapter faster. <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for it taking so long to post this chapter of Mockingbird. I’ve been struggling with raising a baby/writers block/depression. I’ll be trying to post new chapters whenever I get the free time to write. Thank you so much to those of you who have been patient with me on this.

Their trip on the Eurostar from London to Paris only takes about two hours, spent chatting about things they’d do once in the city. Phil had some things already planned out but left plenty of free time in case they came across anything interesting while exploring. They get to their hotel just after lunch time, so once they have their belongings settled they head right back out the front doors to find a restaurant. Phil thought they could take a break for a little while once they had checked in, but Dan is much too eager to sit still.

They find a small café with outdoor seating just a few blocks down the street and are able to grab a table in the corner, looking over the foreign menu in confusion before a waiter is able to come over and help them translate a few things. They order light and the waiter happily walks off.

Dan takes in a deep breath, nose filling with the scent of the gourmet food coming from within the restaurant and a hint of pollen from the cart overflowing with flowers across the street; the vendor holding out a bouquet of colors to each passerby. The rustic feel of the city is amazing; a stark contrast to the metropolitan vibe of the area of London he knew. It’s a whole new world for him to explore and learn about and the notion of all the places he’ll go and the things he’ll be able to do makes his head spin. He never thought he’d ever be able to do all of these things.

He’s here now, though, thanks to Phil; the man who rescued him and gave him a new lease on life. He owes everything to him. He smiles at Phil, who has taken up looking at his phone intently; brow pinched in concentration and head resting on his knuckles. “Looking up more things to do?”

Phil looks up at him. “Hm? Oh, no.” He stuffs his phone back into his pocket, attention turning back to his company before him. “Just checking my email. Unfortunately my type of work follows me even on vacation.”

“Can’t you just turn off your phone?” Dan asks.

“I could but then I worry about missed calls and such and it’s just easier to leave it on.” Phil tells him, sitting up more and leaning on the table. “So, after we eat we can start making our way to the Eiffel Tower.”

“Are we going to walk there?” Dan wonders. Paris is a large city, much too large to walk everywhere they want to go.

“We can hail a cab then wander around the area.”

Their waiter brings them their food and their chatter slows as they eat. The food is delicious and the atmosphere around them is overwhelming, but Dan can’t help but feel like he’s looking at all of this through someone else’s eyes. It’s hard for him to believe that this is all really happening. To think that less than two weeks ago he was in captivity, some toy to a less than likable older gentleman with no hope of ever getting away. Everything around him feels like a dream.

“Now you’re the one that seems distracted.” Phil breaks him from his stupor; plate empty and drink half gone.

“Just thinking.” Dan looks down at his hands clasped around his drink, tea with bits of fruit floating in it. “I just… I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I owe you everything.”

Phil reigns in his smile a little. “You don’t owe me anything, Dan. We’ve been over this.”

“That doesn’t stop me from feeling this way. I can’t express how thankful I am for you taking me and for planning this trip… It’s more than I ever dreamed would happen.”

“I felt like we could both use a getaway from things; and I want this to be a turning point of sorts.” Phil gently pulls Dan’s fingers away from his drink, demanding Dan’s full attention. “We are going to use this trip to forget about the past. No worries here, ok? Then when we get back in London I’ll help you pursue whatever you want to do.”

“What do you mean?” Dan wanted to do exactly what he’s doing right now, spending time with Phil. He didn’t know what else he could do.

“You are your own person. You can build your life however you want. A career path, taking up hobbies, whatever you heart desires.” Phil encourages.

Dan looks down at their hands, enjoying how warm Phil’s fingers are compared to his. “I thought…”

Phil’s smile fades a little. “What?”

“I thought I’d just stay with you. I like living with you, but if that’s not ok-“

“It’s fine, I just thought you might not be comfortable with-“

“I am!” They both stop talking over each other, Dan blushing at his own outburst. “I-I am comfortable there. It… It feels like home to me.”

Phil lets out a sigh, giving Dan’s hands a small squeeze. “Then it is your home. I just thought you’d want to get out there and live your life on your own now that you’re able to, not hang around me when…” When there’s so much tension between them, is what Phil wants to say, but doesn’t think it’s the time or place to bring that up. 

“I can still do that while living with you, can’t I? Besides I have no idea what kind of career I’d want.” Dan thinks for a moment. “Maybe I could help you with your job?”

Phil frowns, pulling his hands back. “No. My job is… It’s complicated. Dangerous at times. I don’t want you involved in that.”

Besides the thought of Phil not wanting him to do something dangerous comforting him a bit, he’s a little disappointed that Phil shot down the idea of him helping him so quickly. “If it’s that dangerous, why do you do it?”

Phil leans back with a small huff, crossing his arms. “It’s too long of a story to tell you how I got into the business; but once you’re in it’s hard to get out; and like you I‘d have no idea what I’d do for a living I left.”

Dan nods, not really understanding but this whole conversation has spoiled the mood and they’ve only been in the city for a few hours now. If this trip is about new beginnings he doesn’t want it to start on a bad note.

“Are you ready to get going?” Phil stands up before Dan can answer and leaves money on the table for the check. Dan decides to drop the conversation for now, grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair before following Phil.

~

Television never gives the Eiffel Tower justice. Everyone knows how big it is, but the sheer size of it doesn’t really hit you until you’re standing directly under it. Phil watches Dan stare up at the bottom of the tower, turning slowly. He was entranced the moment they stepped out of the cab.

His phone buzzes once again in his pocket; an alert on his screen that he can’t help but click. It brings him to a news article with big red letters at the top of the page. Banker Caught in Mistress Scandal: A Man from One of the Top Banks in the Nation Giving Money to Former High-End Prostitute. He’s been keeping track of the popularity of this scandal ever since it broke news. Similar titles and all accompanied with the same picture he’d captured of the man and Ms. Todd at the restaurant. Every time he sees her name it’s a reminder of what he did; how he ratted her and her lover out for money that he doesn’t even care about. He basically did it to keep his perfect record. Granted, Todd deserves a little misery after what she put Dan through, but he still ruined Dan’s mum’s life; and he’s not too proud of it.

“Phil?” He hadn’t noticed Dan next to him again and it makes him jump, quickly locking his phone. “Let’s head up now.”

“Ok.” The wait for the elevator is long, and Dan is more than hesitant about getting in, but it’s a much better option than taking the stairs. Phil’s only advice to him is to not look down as they’re moving up and offers his arm for Dan to cling to.

The observation deck is crowded, unsurprisingly, with tourists of all kinds. Once they see an open spot they quickly take it before the railing fills up again, and the view that greets them is gorgeous. White and tan buildings spread out into the distance until they meet the clear blue horizon, greenery poking up between the streets. The front lawn that they were just in is dotted with people lounging on blankets or running around. They can see almost the whole city.

Phil feels Dan finally let go of his arm to instead move closer to the railing, shuffling a little in front of Phil. “I can scoot over if you want.” Phil offers.

“No,” Dan looks up at Phil, “I want to be closer to the railing but also close to you or else I start to get dizzy.” Dan dares to look down a little more, “We’re really high up.”

Phil smiles down at him before he leans forward, arms wrapping around Dan’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall.”

Dan doesn’t stiffen up from the contact like usual, instead just lets out a small chuckle before resting his hands on Phil’s arms. “So, where all are we going?”

“Hmm, let’s see.” Phil scans the view around them. “I think over there is the Notre Dame,” He turns them a little bit before pointing, “And over that way is the Arc de Triumphe. It’s covered with lots of statues of Napoleon fighting.”

“Cool.” Dan leans his head back to look up at Phil. “We’re going to that art museum, too, right?”

“Yup, the Louvre we’ll save for the last day, along with somewhere else I want to take you.”

“Where?”

“You’ll have to wait and see.”


	9. Chapter 9

The next few days are spent discovering all Paris has to offer, from seeing the Notre Dame and the Arc de Triumphe like Phil had mentioned, to finding small souvenir shops and places to eat. They take everything in with enthusiasm, especially on their last day when they got to the Louvre.

It’s was the most excited Dan has ever been, actually taking the lead and pulling Phil along through the halls. There’s no way they can see all of the Louvre, so they look through a guide and pick the most interesting paintings to go see. Of course, they have to see the most popular works: from Michelangelo to da Vinci; Venus de Milo and Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss. Everything is positively breathtaking.

They spend practically the entire day exploring the Louvre; only leaving once to get lunch then immediately going back. They finally leave once it’s announced that the museum would be closing for the night. They walk out into the chilly night to see the center courtyard lit up with green lights, shining all over the walls and making the glass pyramid in the center look like an emerald.

“I’m tired from all that walking, but I’m still a little too excited from everything to even think of sleeping now.” Dan says, tugging his coat around him a little tighter.

“We can stay out a little while longer then. I hear the lights along the Seine river are amazing.” Phil suggests, to which Dan promptly agrees.

They walk a little ways down the road, Phil only having to look at directions once before they find a bridge to cross to the other side of the river where the main walkway is. The bridge itself is covered in locks, all different colors and all with names etched on or written on them with marker. “What’s with all the locks?”

Phil shuffles to a stop, looking over the chain-link fence. “I’ve heard of this bridge before. It’s called the Love Lock Bridge. People come from all over to put locks on the fence of this bridge with theirs and their lover’s names on them. It’s supposed to bring the couple luck and make their relationship last forever.”

Dan looks over the amount of locks on the bridge, so many you can barely see the fence. The sheer amount is staggering. People really put so much stock into a superstition that they’d travel here just to put a lock on a fence? “It must be nice.”

Phil turns to Dan, “What?”

Dan’s fingers brush over one of the etched locks, wondering just how long it took the person to carve two names into the cool metal. “Believing that you’ll be with the one you love for forever just by wishing on a charm. I wish I could believe something like that so easily.”

Phil looks down at the lock Dan is holding, shrugging a little. “You could. I mean, even if you can’t believe, you can hope.”

Dan’s mouth twitches at a sad smile. “I haven’t felt hope for anything in a very long time.” He looks over to Phil, or rather, his hand hanging down next to him. He lets go of the lock and, before he changes his mind, gently grabs Phil’s hand. “Not until recently.”

Phil is surprised by Dan’s gesture, but is happy none the less. They slowly make their way across the bridge, glancing over all the locks and pointing out some of the more decorated ones. Now walking along the Seine, there are twinkling lights everywhere; hung up in trees and over canopies of shops. They’re just bright enough to light the way instead of street lights, but still dark enough to keep the feel of the night.

They enjoy their walk silently, both of them oversensitive to their hands being together. It wasn’t the usual comforting or reassuring hand hold that Phil has offered in the past, but an inviting one. It felt very different from all the rest, but neither of them could quite put it into words.

A little after passing a street musician, Dan breaks the silence. “So, do you have time now to tell me how you got into your line of work?”

Phil’s stride slows a little, face serious now.

Dan immediately regrets asking. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. I soured the mood.”

Phil shakes his head. “No, it’s just… I’ve never talked about it before.” He glances at Dan, offering a smile. “No one’s ever asked.”

“I’m asking now, aren’t I?”

Phil simply nods, taking a deep breath. “I grew up with my dad. He was a cop. My mother, however, was murdered when I was very young.”

Dan stops in his tracks, lips parting in surprise. “Oh my god…”

Phil dismisses him. “It doesn’t really bother me as much as I think it should. I never knew her, so I never really needed to mourn her, you know?” Phil pulls Dan along again and Dan silently follows. “My dad, however, took it very hard.”

“He dedicated his time and energy to solving her murder; much more than he put into raising me.” Phil laughs a little through his nose, “Sure, he took care of me; told me to stay out of trouble and kept food stocked in the house, but that was about it. He’d tell me to make sure I went to school before he’d head off to work. I’d always do as he asked and went to school, then came back, made whatever frozen dinner was in the freezer, did my homework, then played video games all night until I crashed. I understood what he was going through, kind of, so I didn’t complain or anything. I knew he was doing the best he could, even if it wasn’t very good.”

Dan’s free hand goes to Phil’s sleeve, holding onto it a little. “I guess you kind of grew up alone like me.”

Phil mulls that thought over in his head. “I never thought of it that way, but I guess I did.”

Dan lets out a shiver just as they come across a small café so they decide to stop in for some coffee to warm themselves up. They regretfully let go of each other’s hand in order to wrap their fingers around their warm cups. After they get a few sips in, Phil continues. “After a while, my dad’s determination started to take a toll on him. He’d hit a lot of dead ends in the case, which lead to him to gambling and drinking. His health declined because of it.”

Dan blows some of the steam away from his drink before looking up at Phil. “Is your dad still working on the case?”

“No.” Phil states, “My dad eventually died, too. Basically worked himself to death. He never got to finish the case.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t worry.” Phil tries to hold back a smirk and fails, “I eventually solved it.”

Dan’s eyebrows raise. “What? How?”

Phil smirks grows. “Like I said before, I played a lot of video games. Being so intensely into video games, I taught myself how to mod things; a little tweak here and there in the coding to give myself an edge.”

Dan chuckles. “Cheater.”

“Haha, yeah, I guess I was cheating. I just thought of it as being better than everyone because I was able to do those kinds of things.” Phil looks away, scratching at the back of his neck. “But my simple modifying skills grew into hacking into my school’s grading system and fixing up my grades so I’d pass.”

Dan looks incredulous. “You did what?!”

Phil raises a hand in defense. “Just a little bit! Lots of B+’s” Dan shakes his head, shaming him but smiling. “Anyway, I got better and better at hacking and gather info. So good, in fact, that after my father died I took the liberty to retrieve all of the information he had on my mother’s case in order to try and solve it myself. Fulfilling his unspoken last wish, if you will.”

“How long did that take you?”

Phil thinks for a moment. “About a year.”

“You spent a whole year working on the case?”

Phil shrugs. “Compared to the length of my childhood that my dad spent on it, a year isn’t that long.”

“I suppose so.” Dan agrees, “What happened once you solved it?”

“I took the evidence to the police, of course.”

“Did they catch who did it?”

“Yes, fortunately.” Phil breathes, “Unfortunately, they realized I couldn’t have figured it out without knowing some confidential information and I got into major trouble. They figured out that I’d hacked into their databanks and was immediately arrested. It was my own fault for not being careful enough. I should have anonymously sent in the info.” Dan looks at him, concerned. “I thought I was going to jail for sure, until one of the lead detectives sat down with me. He’d known my father longer than I’d been living; before my mother died. He knew how good my dad really was, whereas a lot of the other officers didn’t. He offered me a job helping him and the department solve crimes, but I refused and as soon as I could I got out of there and left the city.”

“Why?” Dan always thought detectives in novels were awesome. It would have been an amazing opportunity for Phil to use his skills for good.

Phil sighs, “I didn’t want to work with people who only saw my father as a drunkard.”

“Oh…”

Their walk takes a turn onto a grand bridge, marble white with golden statues illuminated by equally elaborate lamps. They spot a bench overlooking the river and take a seat, looking up at the sliver of waning moon above them.

“After all of the commotion of my dad dying and almost getting caught, I dropped off the grid for a while. I did regular odd jobs here and there to make money, never staying in one city for too long, until someone approached me about doing a more skillful job for them. They had somehow come to know about me and offered me a great deal of money to find some information for them. It was an easy thing for me to do for a lot of money. It became a regular job for me. It wasn’t until a few years in that I settled down and started doing field work like going to locations to spy on people, doing tasks like stealing things or planting things.”

Dan looks down at his feet. “And that kind of stuff is dangerous if you get caught.”

Phil nods, “I could go to jail or piss off the wrong kind of people and they’d attack me. It’s never happened, though.” Phil assures Dan, who’s looking more and more concerned. “I’m surprisingly stealthy compared to my usual clumsy self.”

Dan nods, taking all of what Phil just told him in. Phil’s story is fascinating, but Dan can’t help but be caught on how Phil grew up. It surprises him that Phil grew up somewhat alone like he did. They both had a parental figure around, but they didn’t really act like parents to them. At least Phil’s dad seemed to care about him. He’d never really felt that from his mother. He grew up being stuck inside all the time; not even going to a proper school, just learning stuff from books. His mother would scold him if he were bad or tell him what to do, but that was the most of their interaction. Had she truly never felt affection for him? Was it because his birth was unwanted? Or maybe she was inherently just a selfish person; putting her needs before his. He’ll never know.

Maybe that’s why he’s been so confused over his emotions lately. He’s never had any sort of healthy relationship before, so having one now is odd. Phil treats him well, pays attention to him, and is interested in what he has to say and what he wants… He’s never had someone act this way towards him before and he’s not too sure how to handle it. It makes Dan wonder if Phil is the same way with everybody or if he’s somehow different.

“Phil, have you ever…” Dan stares down at his coffee, almost scared to ask. “…been in a relationship?” Phil looks over at him but Dan doesn’t dare return the glance. “It just seems like your work would make it difficult.”

Phil leans back on the bench, staring off. “Well, you’re not wrong. I had little crushes and stuff in Secondary school, and I’ve had the occasional date in the past few years, but they never turned into anything. Most of the time I’m on my own.”

Dan wonders if Phil maybe… No, it’s too dangerous a thought to wonder if Phil treats him like he treated his past romances. What he and Phil have… he’s not too sure. It’s friendly most of the time, but in those not talked about moments of lust he wonders just what Phil’s opinion of him is. Would Phil, or anyone for that matter, want to be with someone like him? Someone who has been tainted by emotional neglect and greedy hands. Would they want to deal with his random bouts of anxiousness or his lack of knowledge when it comes to how to even act around someone he loves? He can’t really see how anything about him could be enticing enough for someone to fall in love with him.

Phil gets up to toss his empty cup away and when he comes back he turns himself towards Dan, knees bumping his. “You know, it’s been nice… having you around. I imagine that if I were to, maybe, settle down with someone… live together with them and such, it’d feel a lot like this.”

Dan’s head springs up to look at Phil’s face, but quickly looks away and out towards the water, blushing. “I think so, too…” Dan bites his lip, “Whoever you’d be with… I’m sure they’d be very lucky.”

Phil leans a little closer to Dan, once again taking Dan’s hand in his. They’ve been warmed up significantly by the hot coffee and making Dan all the more aware of them engulfing his hand. “I’d give them lots of cuddles and late movie nights with dinner. I’d spoil them with gifts and treat them like royalty. We’d eat together and there’d be laughter all the time. They’d be very precious to me and I’d make sure they knew that.”

Dan can feel himself shaking with nerves, his hand clenching into a ball. “It kind of sounds like… how you are with me…”

Phil is quiet and he waits until Dan musters up the courage to look at him, their eyes locking. “Dan… the way Hertwick treated you… That wasn’t love.”

Dan nods, “I know.”

Phil breathes out, needing to get exactly what he’s thinking finally off his chest. “I want to give you everything you’ve missed out on in life. I want to shower you with affection and take care of you. You deserve so much but have gotten so little and I want to fix that. I want you to feel loved and I want you to know just what real love feels like.”

Dan’s eyes begin to water; all of this coming out so suddenly feeling like a dream. He’d wanted Phil to say all of these things but at the same time he was scared. He wasn’t sure how he’d feel if someone were to actually give him what he wanted; for his wish to come true. He snuffs his nose, a weak smile crawling over his face. “I think I already know what love feels like.”

Phil’s eyes trace over him before a hand comes up to his face, thumb caressing his cheekbone. “Dan… Can I kiss you?” It’s little more than a whisper.

Dan gulps. “Please.”

It’s all the permission Phil needs to close the little gap between them, Dan’s lips parting just before they meet Phil. The kiss is a simple series of pecks, each of them gentle and smooth; sending a fever across Dan’s face with every contact. The act is so bizarre yet amazing to him because it lies somewhere between their friendship and their lust but holds more passion than both combined. He embraces the feeling it gives him and he wants to experience it for the rest of his life. He wants it to consume him.

Dan barely parts from Phil, just enough to speak. “Can we go back to the hotel?”

Phil simply nods before helping Dan off the bench and leaving, wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist as they walk.


	10. Chapter 10

As soon as they get back to the hotel Dan grabs his pajamas and goes to the bathroom to change, letting out a deep sigh as soon as the door clicks closed. His hands shake as he changes, his nerves working him into a worry. Had Phil realized what Dan was suggesting when he asked to go back to the hotel? He wasn’t acting any different, so maybe the hint had gotten lost?

Dan’s fingers find his hair, combing through it and smoothing it out as he inspected himself in the mirror. His hair is a little weird, he decides. He gathers it up in a bun behind his head and holds it there, trying to imagine himself with much shorter hair. Maybe something similar to Phil’s?

He lets his hair fall again with another sigh, gathering up his clothes and turning towards the door. His nerves are still wracking his brain, making him somewhat regret what he had insinuated back on the bridge. He had been caught up in the moment, moved by Phil’s confession and following kiss. Does he really want to do this? Besides that one time on Phil’s couch, they haven’t been intimate. Even then, they didn’t touch each other properly, nothing more than a caress of his chest and his fingers gripping Phil’s hair.

Dan shakes his head, clutching his clothes tighter to his chest and opening the door. Just because he’s nervous doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to touch Phil and have Phil touch him. It’s not like it will be the same as when Hertwick did it. 

The thought of the man makes a quick twinge of fear spike up his back, but once he sees Phil sitting cross-legged on his bed the thought quickly leaves. Dan goes over to his own bed and sets his clothes down on top of his suit case. Phil had booked a room with two beds so that Dan would feel comfortable like usual, but now he wonders if he can convince Phil to share.

He walks over to Phil’s bed and sits next to him, watching as Phil flips through too many cable channels and none of them interesting. Phil turns off the TV in defeat and sets the remote on the side table, falling back against the pillows propped up on the headboard. “Looks like nothing’s on. Wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway.” He shrugs, looking over to Dan. “I guess we call it a night. We did do a lot of walking today.”

Dan tries his best to hide his disappointment. “Oh, ok.”

He shifts to move off the bed but Phil grabs his hand. “What’s wrong?”

Dan moves back but doesn’t look at Phil, instead scratching at one of the loose threads on the duvet. He shrugs, but answers. “I thought we were going to…”

Phil’s eyebrows pinch. “Going to what?”

“I thought…” Dan’s voice grows quiet, “When I asked to come back here it’s because I wanted to… do stuff… with you. I guess you don’t want to.”

Phil immediately perks up, sitting up so he can try and see Dan’s face more. “I-I didn’t realize. I thought you wouldn’t be ready for that sort of thing so it didn’t even dawn on me that that’s what you meant.”

“I am ready.” Dan nods, “I think.”

Phil stares at Dan a moment still holding his hand, before reaching over and grabbing Dan’s shoulder, pulling him into a hug and falling back to the pillows so that Dan ends up awkwardly on his chest. Dan doesn’t know what to do so he just stays there, listening to the beat of Phil’s heart. The sound is calming.

They’re like that for a little while, Phil’s thumb rubbing Dan’s shoulder blade. He clears his throat, voice rumbling low. “I didn’t think we’d be doing that, so I didn’t bring anything we’d need…” Dan moves his head up to look at Phil, questioning. “You know, condoms, lube…”

“Oh…” Dan looks down at his chest, hand splayed out flat on it. “I still want to try and do something with you, though.”

Phil nods and brings his hand up to Dan’s face, sighing through his nose. “If we’re really going to do this… We’ll go slowly. If you want to stop at any time, just say.”

Dan quietly agrees and Phil moves to kiss him, Dan meeting him half way and completely melting into it. They lazily kiss for a while, small pecks between lips until Phil cautiously licks at Dan’s lower lip. Dan utters a small whine as their tongues meet, tasting each other. A hint of the coffees they drank on their walk, along with the custard filled pastries they had ate earlier that day.

When Phil’s hand comes to rest on Dan’s hip he twitches before he can stop himself. Phil pulls back, looking at him as if to ask if he’s ok but Dan shakes his head before he can speak, connecting their lips again. He doesn’t want to stop tasting Phil’s lips; if even for a moment. Phil’s hand is static for a long time before it begins to glide up and down Dan’s side, tempting at his skin whenever his shirt rides up. Dan can feel the subtle tingle of warmth it leaves behind and the feeling spreads over him.

Dan appreciates the slowness of Phil’s teasing, but he craves so much more. He’s wanted Phil physically for so long now, and the love that grew inside him all that time has made that desire tenfold. He can’t wait much longer to feel Phil’s heat on more intimate areas of his body, and to do the same to Phil.

He’s compelled to take a nip at Phil’s bottom lip; at the same time pushing his fingers up Phil’s shirt. The action draws a deep moan from Phil, which only serves to egg Dan on. He nibbles at Phil’s lip again as his hand reaches to rest over Phil’s heart. Another moan, and further still, a gentle rock of Phil’s hips into Dan. Now Dan is the one to let out a moan.

Phil doesn’t stay connected at the hip to Dan for long before he pulls away from him, eliciting a whine of disapproval. He sits up on his knees and pulls off his shirt, tossing it to the floor. He stares down at Dan, hands coming to rest on his knees. “You doing ok?” Dan breathes out a “Yes” and Phil smiles, palms moving to follow Dan’s thighs down to his hips again. Dan lets out a whimper as Phil’s thumbs press into the divots of Dan’s hips, the area much too sensitive and making him squirm. Phil pauses, not sure about Dan’s reaction. “Do you want me to stop?”

Dan quickly shakes his head. “N-no.” He says, even as his hands come to rest on top of Phil’s, making him stop anyway. That area is just so sensitive, it’s hard to handle, but it has done its job to get him even more heated than he was before. Looking away as a lewd blush overtakes his face, he pushes Phil’s hands to the edge of his bottoms, the elastic stretching under their hands. Phil properly grabs his trousers and with no objections from Dan he smoothly pulls them down and off Dan’s legs, throwing them in the same general direction as his shirt.

Phil turns back to Dan, settling comfortably in between Dan’s raised knees, giving them a quick peck. “Still ok?”

Dan lets out a hefty sigh. “Yeah.”

“Just checking.” Phil smiles softly. “I want to make sure you’re still comfortable.”

Dan nods, looking out towards the window and fumbling with the sheets. “It’s a lot different than… usual. A lot better. I mean, it was all there physically before, but- It’s like I’m feeling everything for the first time again.” He bites his lip, trying to figure out how to explain. “It’s like my feelings for you have heightened the experience, I suppose.” He closes his eyes, swallowing hard. He doesn’t know why he’s stopping to talk like this. Maybe he just needs to finally get it off his chest. “When I had sex before, I kind of convinced myself to like it because it made things easier. If I didn’t like it, then my life would have been even more miserable like when I had first gotten there. After a while… it was like a switch. I just told myself to kind of go into my own head and focus on the physical feeling, not on who was doing it. It sort of worked…”

Dan gasps, eyes snapping open and looking down at Phil. His head hovers just over the bulge in his pants, his lips puckered from just having planted a kiss onto the fabric. “You don’t have to do that now,” Phil’s voice a low rumble, “you don’t have to close your eyes and pretend you’re somewhere else or to ignore what’s happening to you.” He moves up Dan’s body, pressing more kisses to his stomach and chest, all the while Dan not being able to look away from him. “I’m here with you now. It’s me who’s making you feel this way and I will be the only one to do so from now on; no one else.” Phil gets close to Dan’s face; the younger man positively shaking under him. “Focus on me.” Phil’s hand cups over Dan’s crotch and a moan gets stuck in Dan’s throat, trying his best to keep looking at Phil. He’s right. It’s Phil who is touching him, kissing him, driving him insane. The same trustful eyes and welcoming hands that liberated him are now giving him all of their attention, sending sparks of lust everywhere they look or touch. He needs to give Phil the same attention. He needs to continuously remind himself that it’s Phil here with him, no one else. That time in his life is behind him now.

Dan moves to sit up and Phil leans back, helping pull Dan’s shirt off. Phil’s pajama bottoms go next, then they’re left both in their underwear. As Dan lays back down Phil grips at his hips again, thumbs playing next to the hard bulge but not touching it again until Dan groans and bucks up. Dan captures his gaze, an undertone of begging behind them. Finally, Phil pulls Dan’s underwear off, leaving him stark naked.

Dan’s face begins to redden even more as Phil looks down at him, lips parted. “God, Dan…”

“W-what?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express just how gorgeous you are.” He means it sincerely. Dan’s chest and face flushed red, hair messy and fanned out over the pillow, smooth as silk skin, and his lidded eyes, dark and eager. Even if they do this a thousand more times, he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the sight of Dan’s perfection.

Dan captivity watches as Phil sinks down again, mouth brushing against Dan’s cock. Dan tries his best not to bump up into Phil’s face, but just the little touch makes him twitch. Phil chuckles softly, then licks at one of the veins on Dan’s cock, following it up. Dan practically squeaks out a groan, going an octave higher once Phil reaches his tip. More kisses all around from Phil and Dan thinks he’s going to lose it if Phil doesn’t stop soon.

Of course, he’s proven wrong once Phil’s mouth closes around his cock, only about an inch taken in but still enough to have him let out a moan so loud he slaps a hand over his mouth. Phil reaches up and pulls at his arm until his hand is away from his mouth, coming off of Dan’s dick to speak. “Don’t hold back anything.” He says, “Tonight is your night to enjoy to the fullest and that means no holding back your lovely noises.”

Dan can barely nod before Phil takes him into his mouth again; slowly working his way down the shaft. Dan desperately grips at the sheets with one hand, the other finding Phil’s hand still near his side. Their fingers interlock and as soon as Phil picks up a faster pace Dan loses it. It’s like his lungs can’t take in enough air and his brain is all fuzzy. All he knows is he feels hot and exuberant and it’s all because of Phil. This isn’t just the two of them finally giving into their needs and having sex; no. It’s a catharsis for both of them, but especially for Dan. It’s like Phil’s touch is wiping away his past and renewing his whole being.

Dan’s legs tense on either side of Phil’s head and he can hear the desperation in Dan’s cracking voice. He’s getting close, Dan’s hand releasing his knuckle-white grip on the sheets to land on Phil’s head, tugging at his hair. “P-Phil, I’m-“ Phil just looks up at him, then goes even faster. “No, I- FUck, Phil!” Dan can’t stop the heat pooling in his abdomen, threatening to release. His hips jut up a few times before he comes in Phil’s mouth, his breath raspy as rides it out then lets his hips settle.

Phil sits up, swallowing Dan’s cum and letting Dan gather himself. After a few moments, Dan sits up as well, looking down at Phil’s underwear that are straining against his erection. Dan pulls the band down and Phil pulls the underwear off the rest of the way. Breath still a little fast and face definitely still red, Dan takes Phil’s cock in hand, a great sigh of relief from Phil. Phil is hot in his hand and he wastes no time in helping him, his hand pumping smoothly up and down.

Phil touches Dan’s cheek and as Dan looks up they meet in a bit of a sloppy kiss, driven more by lust than precision. Their tongues explore each other as Dan continues his pace, Phil’s arm wrapping around him and pulling him as close as he can. All of Dan’s little whines and moans, his gorgeous body and heated stare; everything has built Phil’s need up more and more and now Dan’s touch is sending him over the edge. He cums onto Dan’s hand, a moan slipping against Dan’s lips.

They part, Phil giving Dan’s cheek one more caress before he gets up and goes to the bathroom, Dan hearing the sink run and Phil coming back with a washcloth and a glass of water for him. Dan wipes his hand off and takes the water thankfully. Phil searches around the floor for their underwear, finally finding them and handing Dan his. They both get semi dressed and slip under the sheet together, Phil turning on his side to face Dan. “You still ok?”

Dan giggles a little. “More than ‘ok’.”

Phil grins. “How ok, then?”

“Wonderfully ok.” Dan tells him.

“We can do things more properly once we’re back home if you want.” Phil says, pulling Dan close.

“Definitely.”

Dan snuggles his head under Phil’s chin, nose pressing against Phil’s chest and taking in his scent. “I love you.” Phil mumbles into Dan’s hair.

“I love you, too.” He hopes to do much more as soon as they’re home, but really it’s hard for him to imagine feeling any more amazing than he does right now.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a TEASE I'm Sorry

Birds chirping outside the window wake Dan from his sleep, but he doesn’t want to open his eyes. He becomes aware of the warmth against his back and he smiles, shuffling his body closer to it. Phil stirs and wraps his arm around Dan tighter, grumbling something about having to get up soon. Dan shakes his head, not wanting to leave his comfortable cocoon of blankets and Phil.

He’s barely able to doze back to sleep before the alarm on Phil’s phone wakes them. They shower, get dressed, and eat breakfast in the dining hall that the hotel offers rather than going out again. It’s only a matter of time before they’re back on the Eurostar, speeding through the tunnel on their way home, Dan looking through the art book of the Louvre he got and Phil on his phone.

Dan watches as Phil’s brow pinches in concentration, fingers tapping away. He wonders just what Phil does all the time on his phone. Is he playing a game? Looking for his next job? Talking with a friend or colleague? Does he even have those? He supposes he’ll find out eventually, looking back to his book and hiding his goofy smile. To think, he’ll have all the time in the world to find out more about Phil. About himself even. It brings back that familiar feeling in his chest. That soothing warmth that’s still weird, but he’s getting used to it, slowly.

As soon as they step foot back in London Dan can feel his nerves growing again. Phil had said that once they were back home they would do things ‘properly’. Even though they’ve already gotten intimate, he can’t help but have his self-consciousness rear up and take over again. Before, he wasn’t sure if they were going to do it and even then they just did a little bit. Now it’s for certain that they’ll go all the way. He and Phil will really, actually have sex. The thought makes him… excited.

Phil calls a taxi over for them and once they’re in the back seat Dan grabs his hand, giving him a small smile that Phil promptly returns. Phil told him last night that he loved him; and to his surprise he was able to say it right back. He thought the words would have gotten caught in his throat or that in the moments after sex he wouldn’t feel the same way anymore; that things would have gone wrong and it would have been the same aftermath as with Hertwick, left feeling hollow and sometimes crying. But no. After what they shared Dan relished the arms that wrapped around him, warming him, and when Phil said those words to him it felt right to say them back. He loves Phil. Phil loves him. As unreal as it feels, it’s true.

They get in the door of their apartment and before Dan can set his bag aside Phil is scooping him up by his waist, making Dan yelp as he’s crushed to Phil’s chest in a tight hug. “P-Phil! Put me down!”

He’s set back down on his feet but he’s still not free of Phil’s embrace, a hand coming to his face to make him look upwards. Phil leans down to kiss him, which makes any more protests from Dan wither away. They kiss in the doorway of the apartment for a few moments, the familiar sound of the living room clock ticking the only noise besides their breathing. Phil ends their kiss with a peck on the nose, before smile once again. “I told you we’d do more once we were home.”

Dan can already feel his face reddening. “Yeah, but, I mean… We have to put away the bags and- You know, it’s almost lunch time.”

Phil loosens his arms around Dan. “Do you not want to right now?” He asks, “We can save it for later.”

Dan bites his lip and shakes his head. “No, I’m just- It was sudden and it scared me.” He’s still not used to being so… ok with intimacy. Phil, or anyone, coming onto him suddenly still makes him uncomfortable.

“How about we do take care of the bags first, or else they’ll probably sit here by the door for a week.” Phil suggests and Dan agrees, grabbing up his bag and following Phil to the bedroom. They unpack and put all of their clothes away, stuffing the luggage up in the top of the closet.

Once done Phil sits on the edge of the bed, Dan joining next to him. They’re quiet at first, the space between them little. Phil places his hand on top of Dan’s, taking a deep breath. “Before we get into anything… Is there anything I shouldn’t do?”

Dan gives him a quizzical look. “What do you mean?”

“Is there anything you’re not comfortable with?” Phil clarifies, “Not that we’re going to go crazy, but I don’t want to do anything that you don’t like. That might make you…”

“Don’t pull my hair.” Dan says suddenly, understanding what Phil was trying to say without actually mentioning him. “Don’t hold me down or… Just- nothing too rough.”

Phil’s grip on his hand tightens before he leans over, brushing a kiss to his cheek. “Of course.”

Dan relaxes, not realizing how stiff he had been. He leans into Phil, continuing to get kisses peppered all over his cheek and neck. Phil pulls Dan’s hair away from his shoulder so he can reach even more of his skin, his kisses lingering longer and leaving a coldness when he pulls away. Slowly, Phil helps Dan lay back on the bed, Phil moving to hover over Dan as he finally connects their lips. Dan tries to match Phil’s breathing, but his heart is beating too fast and the hand now coming to his hip makes his lungs seize before releasing a sigh.

Phil pulls off of him, looking down at Dan with a chuckle. “Is your heart pounding from nervousness or excitement?” He asks.

“Both.” Dan admits, grabbing onto Phil’s shirt to pull him back down.

Phil just laughs more, even as their lips meet again. “Eager, are we?” Phil mumbles against him, “You’re even cuter when your excited.” Dan makes a noise in his throat that makes Phil’s smile grow. He covers his face with his hands, fueling Phil’s amusement. “Oh, come on. I want to see your face!”

Phil pulls Dan’s hands away from his face and laces their fingers together before kissing him again, making sure not too press Dan’s hands into the bed too much. They get into the rhythm of kissing again before the phone in Phil’s pocket begins to chime. Phil breaks away, giving Dan an excusing glance before pulling out his phone. He motions to immediately set it on the nightstand before the name on the screen stands out. He hesitates only a moment before mumbling a ‘hang on’ and unlocking his phone.

Dan leans up on his elbows, a little disgruntled that Phil has to look at his phone now of all times. Can’t whatever email he’s gotten wait?

Phil types as fast as he can before clicking his phone off again, now actually setting it on the table and turning back to Dan. “Now, where were we?”

“Here.” Dan cranes his neck up to meet Phil’s lips.

“And here?” Phil nips at Dan’s chin, “And maybe here?” He goes lower, teeth barely grazing his throat, then his collar bone and lower still. Dan hums under the tender bites, Phil making his way all the way down to the bottom of Dan’s shirt before raising it up and planting a kiss on his belly. Dan’s excited and giddy mood startes to turn serious as Phil’s hands wander up his shirt, rubbing his sides and taking in the feeling of his skin.

Just as Phil’s head dips lower to kiss upon the zipper of Dan’s jeans his phone rings again, making his head fall against Dan’s leg and a growl of annoyance come from Dan. “Do you really have to answer?” Dan asks, want desperately for Phil to ignore it but before he can request it Phil is reaching over for his phone, checking the sender and once again frowning.

As Phil’s eyes scan over the screen Dan scoots back and sits up, crossing his arms over his chest. “Is it a client or something?” he mumbles, “We can put this off until we’re not interrupted, I guess…” Phil doesn’t answer; just keeps reading with his brow furrowed. The air hangs heavy as he reads, an expression Dan can’t decipher on his face. “Phil?”

Phil silently stands up, stepping away from the bed. Frustrated, he begins to pace, pushing his hair back out of his face and rereading the email before him. All of the arguing and persuading Phil had done, all of the bribes and offers, the incessant pleading and to no avail. He looks down at his phone, the latest and seeming final email from one Elizabeth Howell staring back at him.

Ever since he had gotten her information he had been debating contacting her. It nagged at him as he read the headlines about her and her lover, now former lover. He had made her lose everything, her fancy house and cars, which she had to sell in order to afford a much more modest place to live. The knowledge that she had fallen so far from grace because of him, knowing what she had done to Dan, gave him a small amount of pleasure. But as the days went on, spending more time with Dan, that pleasure turned to guilt. Not because he felt bad for her, but for Dan. Phil literally had Dan’s mum’s contact information in his pocket and Dan was none the wiser.

So, Phil decided to email her. He did not say at first who he was or the circumstances in which he had gotten her information, just that he was someone that could put her in contact with her son. There was no reply at first, so Phil tried again. As soon as Phil received an email back he was stunned. Ms. Howell claimed to have no son and for whoever was emailing her to leave her alone. Of course, Phil couldn’t. He messaged her back, telling her he knew all about her and her son because he knew him. He told her about Dan and how he had a home now and that he misses his mother, if not to put her mind at ease then to guilt her a little.

The first time Phil told her he could set up a meeting with them, she held no interest, still denying that Dan was her son. The second time Phil suggested they meet, an offer of money was added. This made Ms. Howell reconsider. In her current situation, Phil knew the prospect of money might convince her. She asked about Dan for the first time; where he was living now and with who. Phil told her what he thought she wanted to hear, that Dan was doing well and living in London in a nice apartment. How he knew many things and was a quick learner and sweet and basically everything else that Phil loved about him.

Her reply, the one that he was staring at right now, was not what he expected. Instead of her wanting to meet her son, even with the promise of money to accompany their meeting, she refused. She said she didn’t need money from some anonymous person just to meet her son that ‘sounds too good for her’. She went on to say that she worked hard for her money (to which Phil couldn’t possibly understand how flirting on an older gentleman for a check was considered working hard) and that if her son is doing so well he has no need to see her. A moment after reading the email through the first time, a symbol next to her name at the top appeared, indicating that he had been blocked from messaging her again. He could easily work around that block on the computer, but the meaning behind it was clear. The conversation was over.

Dan stands up from the bed, coming over to Phil and touching his arm. “Phil, is everything ok?”

Phil looks at Dan, his eyes wide with worry gazing up at him. Should he tell him; that he had held just a hint of hope in his hands at reuniting them only for his mother to slap it away? Phil sets his phone down on the bed, Dan only giving it a glance before Phil takes his hands. “Dan, I-“ His throat catches, “I love you, so much.”

Dan can feel how clammy Phil’s hands are and can hear how shaky his voice is. Phil is never like this. He’s never worried. “Phil, you’re scaring me.” He whispers, “What’s going on?”

Phil doesn’t know how to breach the subject lightly, Dan’s hands starting to tremble in his before he even begins, so he just goes ahead and says it. “Since a little while after my last job, I’ve been talking to your mother.”

He lets the fact hang there as Dan processes it, his expression turning from shock to sadness then back to worry. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t tell you because she’s been… going through some troubles lately.” He tries to be a vague about her situation as possible, “She’s been going through some things and I thought- maybe in her bad times she’d like to reconnect with you. She could find you again and maybe she’d want to talk to you in light of her problems.”

“What’s wrong with her?” Dan asks, genuine concern written on his face. After all his mother did, he’s still worried about her.

“She- Well, she’s just not financially stable right now.”

“Is she not with that man anymore?” ‘That man’ Phil assumes Dan is talking about the man she left him for.

“No, they recently broke up.” Phil explains, “I got her contact information and… I’ve been trying to set up a meeting with you.”

“A meeting… to see my mother again?” Dan lets go of Phil’s hands, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Dan could see his mother again. He could face her and ask her why she abandoned him or why she even had him in the first place. Had she even thought about contacting him before; or even thought about him in general for that matter. “When can I see her?”

Phil joins Dan on the bed, a hand wrapping around his waist. “Dan, I’m sorry, but… I couldn’t get a meeting with her. I tried everything, even offering her money, but she just doesn’t want to see you.” Phil leans his forehead on Dan’s shoulder, “I’m so sorry.”

Dan sits there in silence, eyes cast down at the floor. His chest is heavy, air fighting to come up and when it does, it’s a small laugh. Phil looks up at Dan, a sad smile stretched across his lips and tears streaming down his face. He chuckles again before he speaks, voice soft and grainy. “Not even the offer of money when she desperately needs it can get my own mother to see me, not even once.” He huffs out one more laugh and shakes his head before his pained smile turns to a frown, a true sob bursting out of his mouth and Phil immediately has his arms around him, holding his shoulders as they shake up and down. Dan had cried many times in his life, during his lonely nights growing up, to the times after Hertwick had left him bruised and tired; but never had he cried so hard. Never had he felt more useless and unwanted.

Phil lets him cry for as long as he can, until no more tears leave his eyes and his shaking shoulders slow to mere trembles. He quietly assists Dan under the covers, Phil joining after fetching him some tissues. Dan continues sniffling until he falls asleep, head tucked into Phil’s chest and hands gripping his shirt so tightly his knuckles are white.


	12. Chapter 12

The apartment is quiet the next few days after Elizabeth’s last email. Dan mostly zones out on the television or sleeps, not being able to concentrate on his reading. Sometimes he’ll cling to Phil tightly and let Phil brush his fingers through his hair, other times he’ll want to be alone, lost in his own thoughts. Phil tries to let him do whatever he needs to in order to feel better, but he wishes he could do more.

He feels like he failed Dan. He just wanted to help Dan regain some of his life back; to have more people in his life that care about him. He wasn’t able to, however, and now Dan is left dwelling on what could have been if Phil had succeeded. Maybe it would have been better to not have tried in the first place, or at least not have told Dan about what he was doing, but it’s too late now.

Phil lets out an exasperated sigh, pushing himself up from the terrible position he’d been sitting in in his chair. He stretches his arms and back before heading to the bedroom, expecting to find Dan in bed but when he gets there he’s gone. Has he not gotten out of the bath yet from an hour ago?

Phil knocks on the bathroom door, only silence greeting him back. “Dan, you ok?” A faint reply can be heard and he relaxes a little, telling Dan he’s coming in. Dan is sitting in the bathtub, his fingers swirling around the tiny sparkles left behind from the bath bomb he’d dropped in. He doesn’t look up at Phil or even acknowledge the fact that he’s there, just continues to stare into pink water. His hair dangles slightly into the water as he’s hunched over, fanning out in front of him.

Phil kneels next to the tub, reaching for the washcloth Dan has let sink to the bottom but he quickly retracts his hand. “Jeez, that’s cold!” Dan makes no sign of the water temperature bothering him. Phil begins to let the water drain, letting it go about half way down before turning on the hot water full blast. His hands swish the water around a little, the scolding hot mixing with the room temperature water to make it a pleasant warm.

Once the level is back up to what it was, he begins to strip, kicking his clothes towards the laundry basket before motioning to get in. Dan scoots forward so Phil steps in behind him, ignoring how jarring Dan’s cold skin is and wrapping his arms around him. Dan leans back into him with a sigh, closing his eyes and enjoying his bath much more now. He came in here to try and relax in a calming bath, but he ended up thinking too much in the echoing silence. Though he’d been letting himself sulk the past few days, he’s grateful for this break from it. He can’t seem to feel so bad when he’s around Phil.

“How are you feeling?” Phil asks, “I guess that’s an obvious question, but you know…”

“Yeah,” Dan mumbles, “I’m doing ok.” A lie, but what else was he going to say? Phil knows how he actually feels anyway. “I’ve just been sort of… reflecting on everything.”

He feels Phil’s chin dig into his shoulder as he nods. “And have you come to any conclusions?”

Dan shrugs, reaching forward to the basket on the corner of the tub, grabbing a purple, square bath bomb from it and unwrapping it. “Remember when I borrowed your laptop last night?”

“Yeah.”

Dan cradles the square in his hands and slowly dips it in the water, feeling the fizzing against his skin as the chemical reaction begins to dissolve the lavender goodness into the bath. “I wanted to look for a job.”

Phil readjusts behind him, sitting up a little straighter and watching the bath bomb over Dan’s shoulder. “You want to get a job?”

“I did… But being out in the public, surrounded by all those strangers and having to talk to them…” A shiver goes down Dan’s spine, the thought making him nervous. “I could barely handle answering the door while you were gone. Also, all the applications I looked at asked for so many things that I don’t have; requirement and skills. That made me look into university and how long it would take to get some sort of degree.”

“So, you want to go to school instead?”

Dan shakes his head. The bath bomb breaks in half, one side bigger than the other and he lets the smaller part sink to the bottom of the tub. “Then I thought ‘what would it take to live on my own’.” He feels Phil’s arms stiffen around him but Dan continues before he can reply. “Besides the obvious costs, there’s a lot of work into living on your own. A lot of stuff I’m not good at yet.”

Phil chews his lip. “If that’s what you want… I could help-“

“No. I just… I wanted to feel some sort of independence. I wanted to look at all of these things that you and every other adult is doing and think ‘I can do that, too’ but… All of it is so overwhelming. I only managed in making myself feel useless.” The last bit of the bath bomb floats out of Dan’s hands, it fizzing slowing until the last of it is gone and the water is a sunset mix of colors.

Phil takes Dan’s hands in his and brings him in tight, his breath right next to Dan’s ear. “You’re not useless, Dan. Never think that.” Phil grabs the washcloth and dips it into the water, leaning back and beginning to rub down Dan’s back. “You can’t do a lot of things because you were never taught. We can fix that. I can teach you everything I know and the rest you can learn as you go.” The warmth of the water feels nice, soothing Dan, but it can’t compare to Phil’s warmth. “I told you before, if you want a job or to go to school or to live on your own, I’ll help you.”

“I don’t want to actually do those things. At least, not the living on my own. I just wondered if I could.” Dan lets his head fall forward a bit more, “I just… want to feel normal. I wish… I just with my life had been normal. It didn’t have to be some grand adventure; I didn’t have to be rich or have everyone like me. I just wanted breakfast in the morning before school, or hanging out with friends on weekends. All I had was what I was exposed to while living my life entirely indoors. Rarely did I feel the grass between my toes or hold a snowball. I think of those things as almost nostalgic now even though I barely know what it’s like. But… since I’ve grown up sheltered, thinking too much outside my normal is scary.

“Going to Paris was a dream come true, but if you hadn’t of been there with me it would have never happened. I would never had been brave enough. I think of all the things I want to do in life and they scare me because my heart yearns for things that my brain is scared of. Does that make sense?”

Phil assures him it does. “That’s why we do things at your pace. It’s ok to rely on me for things. You don’t have to shove yourself out into the cold world if you’re not ready.” Phil presses a kiss to Dan’s neck, “I’m always here for you. I told you I want to give you everything; all you have to do is ask.”

Dan looks down at the water. “That’s the thing, though… I feel like I’m following in my mum’s footsteps if I let you do everything for me.”

Phil grabs Dan’s shoulders and directs him to turn around, Dan looking at him for the first time since he came into the bathroom. Phil caresses his cheek, staring deep into the eyes looking up at him, so lost and conflicted. “You are not your mother. Just because you need help doesn’t mean you’re mooching off me or taking my money. I am helping you sort out your life because I love you. We will work together so that one day you can look back at all you’ve been through as if it were a dream. We can do it.”

Dan bites his lip before it can quiver and leans forward, resting his head on Phil’s chest. “I just don’t want to be her. I want to stand on my own two feet. It’s just, so hard.”

“I know, but I’ll be here to lean on as much as you need.”

~

“Phil, where are we going?” Dan had asked several times since they had left the house, but Phil hadn’t elaborated in the slightest. He had just woken up and was making his way to the kitchen for coffee when Phil had caught him. He told Dan to get ready to go out in a little bit before going back to his computer. When Dan had asked him then where they were going he said it was a surprise, and he guesses that will continue to be the story until they’re actually there; wherever ‘there’ is.

The taxi stops in an area in between the suburbs and the city and Phil pays the driver before stepping out; Dan doing the same. “Here we are!”

Dan looks up at the house Phil is gesturing at, a small wooden sign in the window indicating that it’s a book store and not just a large, two story house. The place is old, with large peaks and brick walls. It gives him cozy feeling, reminding him of some of the houses described in the books he reads. “A book store? Phil, we have one of these near the apartment.”

“Yes, but this one is special.” Phil gently places a hand on Dan’s back and ushers him inside. It’s a nice little place, shelves almost to the ceiling with books and in between shelves are posters of scholars and authors of times long past. “Go ahead and explore around a little and grab anything you like.”

Dan leaves Phil to walk around, examining some of the new books for a change. After finishing his last book, he decided he should break away from the classics once in a while and try for something new. You never know what authors of today will be considered classics in the future. He skims through the selection but is utterly lost as to what to pick.

He comes upon an older woman towards the back of the shop; taking books from a box next to her and stacking them on the shelf. She must work here or be the owner, so maybe she knows about a few good books? If only he could make himself walk forward and ask her.

“There you are.” Phil comes up behind him, making him jump slightly, and looks between him and the lady. “You ok?”

“Yeah, um… I can’t find any books, so…” Dan begins to turn around but Phil stops him.

“Try asking that lady for help.” Phil suggests, “I’ll be right behind you.”

Dan looks back to the older woman, debating for a moment before taking a deep breath and marching forward. When he gets up next to her he clears his throat, making her finally see him and she greets him with a small smile. She’s not too old; maybe in her 60s, and her hair is trimmed short with speckles of grey throughout the dark brown. “Yes, how can I help you?”

“I, uh… I wanted to get a book but… I’m not sure what to pick?” Dan feels stupid for being so general. How is she supposed to help him with no info to go on?

Never the less, she continues to smile sweetly, making Dan relax a little. “What kind of books do you like?”

“Well, I like lots of mystery, drama, even horror sometimes.” Dan tells her, “Adventure is always nice because it helps me escape into the story sometimes.”

“Ah, I’m the same way.” She chuckles softly, the sound making Dan smile a little. “Whenever I’m bored I just jump into a book and I feel like I’m in it. Before I know it it’s time to go to bed.”

“Me, too.” Dan nods, “I’ve been wanting to branch out and read some new books, though. I’ve only ever read old ones.”

“Oh? A fan of the classics, huh? Can’t complain there. I used to read them all the time to my daughter but she never had the appreciation for them.” She looks back down at the stack of books at her feet, seeming to think for a moment.

Dan hears Phil’s footsteps coming closer again and he turns to him but he’s not looking at Dan; instead focusing on the lady in front of him. “Excuse me, ma’am.” The lady once again breaks away from the books to greet Phil, the same welcoming smile on her face. “I’m Phil.” He holds out his hand for her to shake. “We talked on the phone this morning.”

Her eyes go wide and she quickly steps out from behind the box that had separated her and Dan and comes over to Phil, surprisingly giving him a hug. “I’m so glad you could make it!” She says, stepping back once again and looking up at him. “Are you sure about what you said?”

Phil laughs a little, “I’m sure.” Phil looks over to him and Dan can feel Phil’s hand going to his back again, pushing him a step forward. “This is him right here.”

The lady looks at him, eyes scanning over him as if trying to decide if whatever they were talking about was true. Dan scoots a little closer to Phil, the scrutiny making him a little uneasy. “Phil?”

“It’s ok, I promise.” Phil assures him.

The lady comes over to him now, reaching out for his hands and he reluctantly lets her take them. “Dan.” She says, testing the name on her tongue. “Dan, I’m your grandmother.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I could give every excuse in the world as to why it took 9 months to get the next chapter out, but all I can say is life happened. I’m sorry to all the people who have waited so long. I will again be updating this fic, and I ask you to please be patient as I do. Thank you so much for sticking with me.

The design on the teacup cradled between Dan’s hands is ingrained into his mind. He’s stared at it for the past five minutes, the contents of the cup cooling as Phil and this older woman, Wendy, talk sparingly and casually to each other. They’ve been waiting patiently, buying time, for him to speak up himself. He doesn’t know if he can, or what he could say in a situation like this. Every time he’s thought of how to start he swallows his words, too nervous to make a sound, and lets them carry on talking.

He’s always imagined being reunited with his mother; and all the questions he’d have for her, not the woman before him. Regardless, he has to say something… Phil didn’t bring him here for nothing.

“So,” Dan interrupts quietly, “you’re my grandmother.” The idea is still fresh in his head, and a little unreal feeling, but Phil says it’s true.

“Yes, your friend here told me. I didn’t really believe him over the phone, but now that you’re here… You look so much like your mother.” Wendy gives a small smile, “To be quite honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Lizzy.”

“Liz-? Oh…” That must have been his grandmother’s nickname for his mum. “Yeah, it’s been a long time for me, too. T-though, not as long as for you. I mean… It must be harder…” He doesn’t know what he’s saying.

“Yes, I haven’t seen her since she ran away.” She sets down her cup, leaning back in her comfy chair and folding her hands together. Her whole living room feels comfy and inviting, and Dan suspects the rest of her home to be as well. Everything looks just as you’d suspect a grandma’s house to be like. “I didn’t believe her when she said she would leave, but then next morning she was gone.”

Phil leans in, giving Dan’s arm a small touch before turning to Wendy. “Why did she run away in the first place, if I may ask?”

Wendy sighs, “My husband and I didn’t approve of the boy she was going out with at the time. We thought he was a bad influence and we were trying to convince her to break up with him.” Wendy looks to chew her lip a moment, thinking back. “When she ran away to be with him, we went looking for her, called the police… Her boyfriend was found, just a city over, but she was nowhere.”

“Where did she go?” Phil asks.

“We don’t know. The young man said they had planned to run away together, but they had argued and she stormed out of the motel room they had rented and she didn’t come back.”

Dan’s cup clinks against the porcelain saucer as he sets it down. “Can you… tell me what my mum was like?” Dan’s voice wavers, but he stiffens up, trying his best to hold it together. He wants to know everything about his mother. He wants to know what she was like before she had him; before she ran away and her life took such a turn. He wants some clue as to why all of this happened.

“She was always a very stubborn and wild child. Constantly getting herself into trouble; whether unintentionally or not.” Wendy slowly gets out of her chair and makes her way over to a table next to the window. It holds many photo frames, from big ones in the back to small pocket sized ones in the front. “We got on her so much whenever she’d be bad, but deep down I knew it was because we didn’t give her enough attention. We both worked long jobs at the time.”

She comes back over to the two men and holds out a picture frame, the top edge covered in a heavy layer of dust but the glass over the photo had been kept clear. Dan looks at Wendy once before gingerly taking the frame; Phil leaning closer in order to see as well. The picture was of a couple, Wendy and her husband but decades younger, with a young girl between them. The young girl must be in her teens, hair a chestnut brown and cut into a short bob. Her smile is more of a smirk and her eyes lidded and bored looking at the lens. “That photo there was taken just a few months before she left.”

Dan stares back at his mother, feeling a little closer to the version of her in the photo than he had when he knew her. He’s but a few years older than her here, barely out of his teens. He couldn’t possibly imagine leaving home on his own the way he is now; and she left because why? For love? She couldn’t stand to be without her boyfriend at the time, so she ran off with him… to what end? What was their plan? To elope? What happened to that plan once she walked out on him as well? Dan knows the final outcome, what she eventually ended up doing with her life, but how did she get to that point? He has so many questions and he knows he’ll never get the answers.

“Can you tell me, Dan, how she was with you?” Wendy asks.

“Well,” Dan thinks of how to word just how things were; without giving too many things away. Wendy doesn’t need to know about her daughter’s line of work. Her heart was already broken when her daughter left, she doesn’t need to hear that the result of that led her to even more poor life choices. “I grew up with just her. I never knew who my father was and she never told me. I… kept inside most of the time. We didn’t talk a lot but she took care of me.” Endless memories of days spent alone; time running into itself as every day was the same. The same walls, the same meals a lot of the time. Rereading books over and over until he finally got a new one. That was one of the few things he ever asked his mother for adamantly was for new books. She would usually put it off continuously until his asking annoyed her and she caved. “She bought me lots of books and I read all the time. I still love them now.”

Wendy chuckles. “You must have gotten that from me then.”

Dan actually smiles a bit as well, but it quickly fades. “A few years ago, she… met someone. She really liked him and… she just…” Dan takes a deep breath, Phil placing a hand on his leg as a reminder of his support. He’s so grateful for Phil being here beside him. He doesn’t know if he’d have held it together this long if he hadn’t. “She decided that this man was… more important. More important than me. She left with him and I haven’t seen her since.”

Wendy leans forward and touches Dan’s hand and he lets her, her skin softer than it looks and the warmth comforting. “I’m so sorry my daughter left you.” Dan shakes his head, wanting to tell her it’s not her fault in the slightest but any words are caught in his throat at the moment. “She should have taken responsibility for you instead of running after love again, but I guess some people just never grow up.”

“I recently tried to help reconnect them.” Phil speaks up, and Dan is relieved to get a break from having to speak. “I reached out to her through email but after several attempt she still didn’t want to. She’s busy with her own life, I guess.”

“As I said before, she’s always been stubborn.” Wendy sighs. “I just wonder if after all the trouble she’s caused other people if she is happy where ever she is.”

Phil’s eyes travel to Dan’s face, that pang of guilt hitting his chest again. Neither Wendy or Dan need to know of the state Phil had caused Elizabeth to be in recently. Neither of them need that. He becomes silent after that, listening to Dan and Wendy talk a little more about her. It’s more Wendy talking than Dan, reminiscing about Elizabeth in her younger years. She fetches a few more pictures here and there and Dan pipes up with the occasional question.

It soon gets late, Phil watching as the streetlights outside blink on. “Dan, we should be getting home to eat.” Phil hates to break them up, but he can tell that despite Dan’s grown enthusiasm he looks dead tired. He’s taken in a lot of information today besides it being stressful. Phil needs to get him home to rest.

As Phil calls an Uber, Wendy walks them back downstairs to the door of the bookstore. “Dan, sweety,” Dan turns to Wendy and she surprises him with a hug, her arms soft and squishy around his shoulders. At first he’s frozen, but he slowly wraps his own arms around her waist, squeezing tighter that he ever thought he would. “Please, come visit me whenever you like. You’re always welcome for a cup of tea and I’ll turn a blind eye if you want to ‘borrow’ a few books from the shop.”

Dan pulls back and smiles wide, Phil grabbing his hand, and assures her that he’ll stop by as often as he can. Their car arrives and they wave goodbye and head out. For a moment Phil thinks the car ride will be quiet, assuming Dan has things to think over, but when he turns to look he sees that Dan is wiping a tear from his eye. “Dan? What’s wrong?”

Dan shakes his head. “Nothing, I’m… I’m happy.” He laughs a little, followed by a snuff of his nose. “I’ve found family… Family, Phil! Real, loving family! I-” He lets out a deep breath. “I’ve never-” Phil pulls him over into a hug, Dan burying his face into Phil’s jacket. He lets out all his crying, a mix of happiness and relief and excitement. He has family now. Even if it’s just one member, it’s someone. He’s never had family before that loved and accepted him. “Again, I feel like I owe you so much.”

Phil shakes his head and Dan is silent, pulling his face away to plant a kiss onto Phil’s lips. If he can only give Phil this, this simple gesture that means so much, he’ll do it again and again until Phil knows just how grateful he is.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back into the swing of things!

While chewing his lip, Dan double checks his things. Phone has a half charge, wallet has enough cash in it; he even adjusts his hat one more time, tucking a stray strand back into it. He takes a deep breath, ignoring his heart thumping in his chest, and heads out to the living room.

Phil stops his pacing to stop him by the door. “Are you sure you’re ok with going out on your own?” he asks, full worry on his face.

“I’ve been out on my own before now.” Dan assures him, grabbing his backpack off its hook.

“That was different.” Dan had technically been out on his own before, but not quite. Weekly he’s been visiting his grandma, Wendy. Phil would call him a cab that would meet him outside and he’d take it directly to Wendy’s house; then the same thing back home. “But this time you’ll walking out and about on your own. Around strangers.” Phil reminds him. “Can you handle that?”

“I’m pretty sure.” Dan had already decided a few days ago that today would be the day to venture out on his own for real. He’s just testing the waters of independence by going down the the bookstore, getting a new book, maybe some coffee if he’s feeling particularly courageous, then heading straight home. The bookstore has become a familiar place and he’s even become a little friendly with some of the people who work there. It should be an easy first adventure. “I’ll be back in less than an hour. I promise.”

Phil puffs out a sigh. “Ok. I’m just a text away if you need me.” Phil shadows him to the door, pausing after grabbing Dan’s arm. “Are you sure I can’t convince you to wear one of my earpieces?”

“Phil, I’m not on one of your spy missions or whatever you call them! I’ll be ok.” he tells him yet again, “You worrying so much is making me start to worry.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Phil lets him go and takes a step back, “I’ll see you soon.”

Dan says goodbye, closes the door behind him, takes a deep breath, then takes a big step forward. It’s followed swiftly by a less confident, almost shaky step, but still, he’s on his way. He takes the elevator down to the lobby, yet another hurdle he’s gotten over lately, and heads outside. Sunlight greets his face before he turns away from it and towards the corner, following the familiar path to the bookstore. He tries to enjoy his walk but also tries to stay focused, on guard.

He does well for the most part, taking in the surroundings and ultimately feeling calm until the crashing sound of a small fender bender across the street spooks him. It halts him in his tracks, freezing him up and his hand grabs near his shoulder for his hair but it’s tucked up into his hat like it always is when he goes out. He instead grabs the strap on his backpack and grips it tightly, taking a deep breath in and slowly out. It’s only one more block until the bookstore. He can make it. His pace picks up a bit, but he still hasn’t lost his nerve.

The gold lettering above the bookstore welcomes him and he even gives a small wave the cashier he recognizes as he walks past. He quickly makes his way towards the shelves and once he’s found an empty aisle he let’s go of the smile he’s been holding back. He made it! Such a small triumph but it means so much for him.

He relishes his time skimming the shelves, looking for a new book to reward himself with on this occasion. While putting a book back on the shelf he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. It’s Phil, of course, asking how he’s doing and if he’s made it to the store yet. Dan texts him back saying he’s just made it and that he’ll be back soon. He even adds a heart at the end for extra assurance.

He spends just a little more time finding a book, then takes it to the checkout. The same cashier he waved at when he arrived is still there and greets him again. “Hi, Dan. No Phil today?”

“Hey, Gwen. No, I thought I’d go out on my own for once.” He says with as much confidence as he can muster.

“I was actually hoping you’d come back in soon.” She admits as she scans his book, “I saw someone post a flyer on the entranceway bulletin board that you may be interested in.”

Dan looks at her curiously as he hands over the money for his book. “A flyer about what?”

“Well, the local theatre is looking to cast people in their next play, and I think it’s going to be Twelfth Night.”

Dan stares blankly at her for a moment. A Shakespeare play, one that he could probably recite half of without looking at a reference, being put on at the theatre downtown. If he were confident enough, crazy enough, he would try out. The lines he could do, it’s the actual performing it in front of people that would be the problem.

He quickly thanks her for the heads up and rushes to the door, clutching his bag to his chest as he scans the flyer on the wall in front of him. It’s as she said, the theater will be performing Twelfth Night in a few months and they’re casting people now. At the bottom are cut up tabs, each one with the name of the theater, address and a number to call. Hesitantly, Dan rips off one of the tabs and stuffs it into his pocket.


	15. Chapter 15

Phil hears stomping down the hallway, making him open the door before Dan even gets to a full stop. He rests his hands on his knees, exhausted from the run. “Why are you running?” Phil steps out, catching Dan’s shoulders as Dan breathes heavily. “What’s wrong?”

“Noth-” Dan swallows, “Nothing, I’m fine.” He straightens up, unable to contain the huge smile on his face and the shakiness of his whole body. “I’m actually great!”

Phil pulls him inside before Dan continues, sitting him down and getting him to drink some water. “I’m glad your little trip went so well.” Phil laughs, “I know it was a big step, but I didn’t think it was going to be that exciting for you.”

Dan shakes his head. “It’s not the trip that I’m excited about, although I did do well.” He holds up his bag from the store; proof of his accomplishment. “It’s something I found out about at the store.”

He fishes into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper the size of one you’d find in a fortune cookie. He holds it up to Phil’s face, too close for him to read. “The theatre downtown is having auditions for a play! Twelfth Night!” Dan positively buzzing, “I know that one, of course, cause… Shakespeare, so…” He holds the tiny paper to his chest, wide eyed at Phil. “I could try for it. It wouldn’t be hard, just… Being in front of people…” His excitement starts to fade a small bit. “If I could just get past that, then…”

Phil sits there a moment, smiling at the man across from him. The first time Dan has ever wanted something so badly, so passionately. Phil wants to drink in this moment. He reaches forward and takes the paper out of Dan’s hands, looking at the number on it. “If you really want to do this,” Phil looks back up at him, “we can call right now. I will help you every step of the way, and I will support you however I can.”

Dan steels himself. “I know this is something I can do.” Of all the things in the world, he is capable of this. This simple, temporary job. With Phil helping him he feels like it’s possible.

“It’s settled then.” Phil agrees, “Do you want to call them?”

Dan shakes his head, “Um, can you?”

Phil chuckles. “I guess you’ve been brave enough for one day. I’ll be right back.”

While Phil goes over by the kitchen, Dan goes to the bookshelf, grabbing up his Shakespeare book. He’s been extra careful with this one, not bending the spine too much and not leaving it lying around just incase something happens to it. He snuggles down into the corner section of the sofa, pulling a blanket onto his legs and first opening the book up to the table of contents. He then flips to the first page of Twelfth Night, a small drawing of Viola, the main character, at the top of the first chapter. He knows the story by heart, but as with any story, there’s a difference between just remembering the whole thing in your head and actually reading it line for line. It’s just like rewatching a good movie.

Phil comes back from the kitchen and settles down next to Dan, taking some of the blanket for himself. “They said the first auditions are this Saturday. We can go, try out, and grab some dinner after.”

“Either to celebrate a good audition, or to stuff myself in sadness.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Phil leans over and gives Dan’s head a kiss. “But I’m sure it will be in celebration.”

“Well, we’ll see.” Dan’s nerves make his heart quiver again, “I don’t want to jinx anything.”

Phil hums in response. He looks over at Dan’s book, the title page sitting open. He shifts and leans lower onto Dan’s shoulder, getting comfy. “Can you tell me about the play? I don’t know this one.”

“It’s a romantic comedy, for starters.” Dan points to the lady on the page, “That’s Viola.”

“She’s pretty.” Phil remarks.

“Mhm, she spends most of the play dressed as a man, though.”

“Really?” Dan nods, “That’s kinda cool.”

“I guess, yeah.” Dan flips to the next page, pointing at lines as he goes. “See, Viola and Sebastian, her twin, get in a shipwreck and Viola thinks Sebastian dies from it.”

“I’m assuming later things turn out that he didn’t.” That’s usually how things go.

“I’ll get to that.” Dan teases, flipping the page again. “Just hang on.” He continues to go page by page, not really reading word for word, but paraphrasing everything from the old English way of writing. He reads a few dialogues here and there, putting a little effort into making them sound dramatic and Phil can’t help but smile again, eyes closing and listening to Dan go on and on.

“Orsino gets really jealous, and-” Dan feels the hand that was resting on his arm slip off, Phil curling it to his chest with a sigh. How long has he been asleep? He’d stopped commenting a few minutes ago, so maybe then. Phil’s mouth is slightly ajar, steadily breathing with the blanket pulled right up to his chin.

He closes the book and sets it beside him, smiling softly as he carefully rests his free hand on top of Phil’s head. He lets his fingers pet through Phil’s hair, fixing it once after making it fall into his face. After that he leaves Phil alone, instead shuffling out from under him and lying on the edge of the sofa. All the moving makes Phil stir and his arm wraps around Dan’s waist, pulling him in rather tightly. He doesn’t mind, however, instead cradling the head now nuzzling into his chest.

This right here; this person, this moment… It’s all he’s ever wanted in life, even if it took him his whole life to realize it; to put it into coherent thoughts and not just a feeling deep in his heart. He needed a reason to live. Not to just stay alive, but to live, to take on each day with fervor and joy. He can look towards the future and not just feel the dread of what could have been endless suffering. He can make plans and do fun things and learn more and spend his days however he wants, with whoever he wants. He can do anything he sets his mind to, even if it takes some time. He can do it, with Phil by his side.


	16. Chapter 16

He never imagined that so many people would show up to an audition. Him and Phil got to the theater around two o'clock, a half an hour after auditions were supposed to open and the line into the building stretched out to the end of the block. They waited in line for what felt like forever in the chilly autumn air, shuffling their feet anxiously as the line crept along. Inside they could see the setup of tables that people were filling out papers at and the entrance into the main theater. Once they finally got up front and filled out all the necessary information they were able to take a seat in the not too soft audience chairs. The place was almost full and auditions would be starting soon.

“How are you feeling? Besides nervous, obviously.” Phil asks, setting a hand down on Dan’s bouncing knee, it eventually stopping.

“I’m ok. It’s not like I don’t already know all the lines,” He has the script he was given rolled up, slowly ringing it in his hands. He said he was going to try out for a minor part, nothing big with too many lines. “it’s just the saying them in front of so many people thing.”

“You’ve said them perfectly in front of me before.” Phil gives Dan’s leg a little squeeze of encouragement.

“Yeah, but that’s you,” he gives a little smile, “strangers are different.”

“I know it’s hard, especially with the way you are, but I also know you can do an amazing job with this.” Phil wraps his arm around Dan’s shoulders, bringing him in. “Just look at me while you talk if you need to.”

Dan nods, unraveling the script and looking at the cover. He can do this. If he gets a character with one, maybe two lines, he’ll be happy. A small part in a big play. He’ll be able to do his part and have fun but it won’t be too much exposure. It won’t be that much stage time.

A little after three o’clock the doors are shut, the last of the people finding seats. A few minutes pass and then a woman comes onto the stage. It looks like she’s talking to a few people up front, but they’re too far back in the audience to hear. Another few minutes pass and then the speakers around the room come to life.

“-if you could call- Oh, there we go!” the woman laughs, “Mics are finally going, thank you Dave!” She waves up towards the back of the room where the soundbooth is before looking back down to the audience. “Hello, welcome everyone! Welcome to White Ridge Theater.” She slowly begins to walk around the stage, “My name is Jackie Stanford and I will be the director for the play Twelfth Night. I’ve been wanting to do this play for years now but just never seemed to get around to it. Now, with the help of my friend Jonathan Chapman,” She gestures towards a man in the front row, who turns and waves behind him, “we’ll be able to perform Twelfth Night by the time Christmas rolls around.”

A quiet applause comes from the audience, then dies down. “Ok, so, we will be starting auditions row by row. When it’s your turn, step up towards the front of the stage and state your name so we can mark it on the list. After that, tell us what character you’re trying out for then go right into your lines.”

People start to come up one by one, many trying out for main characters. Sometimes they were good, sometimes they were bad. “Is it bad to be comforted by other people’s nervousness?” Dan whispers to Phil, “Knowing other people are nervous kind of makes me less nervous.”

“It’s understandable.” Phil mutters back, “I’m sure other people in here feel the same way.”

More and more people go up, making Dan’s fidgeting increase, until it gets to the row right in front of theirs. He feels like he’s going to throw up. “Phil, I… I don’t know if I can do this.” With every breath he feels queasy, making him cover his mouth.

“Are you ok?” Phil makes Dan turn towards him, taking his free hand. “Do you need me to get you some water?”

“N-no, I don’t know.” He can feel it building, the clenching in his stomach and chest, his breathing becoming faster. He feels too hot, needing to take off his jacket.

“Dan, listen.” Dan hugs his jacket to his chest, trying to hunch down and away from the people he can feel staring at him. They’re all watching him freak out and it’s making it worse. “Dan, look at me.” A pair of hands touch his cheeks and he looks up. Blue eyes, close to his face. He knows them, they’re safe. He wants to be safe. “We can leave if you want. Right now. You don’t have to do this. Do you want to leave?” He looks over to the doors behind them. A tempting idea, but after a moment he shakes his head. “What do you need then?”

Dan reaches out a hand and Phil takes it, squeezing it firmly. “I just need to calm down. Just… give me a minute.” He takes a big, jittery breath, then another. He closes his eyes, still holding onto Phil’s hand. Deep breathes, in and out. In, then slowly out. Once Dan goes up on that stage, he doesn’t have to be Dan anymore. He will be the role he intends to play. Nothing more. He will do and say what he has to. He’s done this before countless times, he can do it again.

He opens his eyes and looks at Phil. “I’m ok.”

“Are you sure?” By the look on Phil’s face he didn’t believe that for a second.

“I’m sure.” He nods, “I’ll be ok then we can go.” He’ll need to properly calm down afterwards, but for now he can pretend. This is the hard part. This is when he’ll be judged but if he gets the part the rest should come easy.

The person who was sitting next to Dan is coming back to their seat and shakingly Dan stands up, handing Phil his jacket and script to hold. He walks down the aisle way and up the side stairs to the stage, the stares of everyone on his back but Dan does his best to put on a straight face. He hates this feeling, when he has to retreat into himself in order to simply function like a normal human being, but right now he has to.

He stands up towards the front of the stage, looking down at the directors. They ask for his name and he gives it, the co director looking at the list for his name. His voice sounds a bit more robotic than it should. He needs to try harder. “I’m trying out for the role of the First Officer.”

“Just a small role?” Stanford asks, most people trying out for more lead roles.

“Yes, that’s all I want.”

Stanford looks him up and down. “Were you not given a script?”

“I was,” Dan corrects, “but I don’t need it. I know the part.” He can vaguely hear the sound of someone tsking at him from somewhere in the audience. It throws him for a moment, heart skipping, but he continues to be still.

“Alright, if you say so.” Even she is doubtful. “Kevin,” She peers down the row of seats at a man looking at his phone, “could you go up and do the scene with this young man? I’ll play Second Officer.”

“Sure.” The man, Kevin, puts his phone away and hoists himself up onto the stage rather than going around to the stairs. He holds out his hand to Dan, who takes it and more so lets the man rattle his arm a few times than shakes his hand. “I’m playing Antonio in the play, nice to meet you.”

That’s right, one of the characters not listed was Antonio. He must be a veteran of the theater and already snagged the part before auditions, or something. “Mr. Howell, whenever you’re ready, you start the scene.”

Dan nods at the director, then takes a deep breath. He can do this. He knows the lines. He just needs to make himself speak. No, he needs to be the part. He needs to act, just like he has before. It should be easier than what his nerves are making it seem.

He takes a step backwards, puts on a stern face, and points at Antonio. “This is the man;” he looks to Stanford, or rather the Second Officer, “do thy office.”

“Antonio,” Stanford deepens her voice and bellows, almost comically. “I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.”

Antonio puts up his hands, defensively. “You do mistake me, sir.” He tries to laugh it off.

Dan takes a long stride forward, poking at Antonio’s chest and having to look up at him. “No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well, though now you have no sea-cap on your head.” Dan gestures to Antonio’s indeed hatless head, “Take him away. He knows I know him well.”

“Well done, Mr Howell.” Stanford cuts the scene short, walking closer to the stage.

Dan’s face softens, once again stepping away from Kevin and quietly apologizing for poking him in the chest.

“Haha, it’s alright.” He says, “I was surprised you memorized your lines quickly enough to not need to look at your script.”

“Oh, well, um…” Dan’s cover is breaking. He needs to keep it together, or he’ll start to panic again. “I know the whole play by heart, so…”

“Do you really?” Stanford asks, and Dan nods.

“Hmm.” The man next to Dan seems to be looking him over, making Dan rather uncomfortable. “Do you know Sebastian’s lines?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“Could you play as him?” Kevin leans down towards Stanford, “He could be a good counterpart to who’s playing Viola, don’t you think? Twins, both with soft, round faces?”

Stanford starts to look him over too and he feels his chest clenching, the mantra of stop looking at me so much stop looking at me so much looping in his brain. He glances over towards Phil, his safety net, quickly giving him a small wave and two thumbs up of encouragement.

“I… I could try?” Dan barely mumbles, “I only really wanted a small part, though.”

“How about we try the first part in Act 3 Scene 3 and just get a feel for it. If you really do know the whole play, that is.” Stanford raises a challenging eyebrow at him.

“I do.” Stanford stays near the stage, motioning for him to begin when he’s ready.

Dan closes his eyes, quickly reminding himself of where to start and collecting himself. He decides to move closer to Kevin, more natural for a scene where they’re suppose to be walking down the street together. Kevin seemingly understands without Dan saying a word and stands beside him.

“Ready?” Stanford asks, “Action.”

They both take a step forward at the same time, only being able to take a few steps before they’re at the edge of the stage and have to stop, turning towards each other. Dan gazes up at Kevin, Antonio now, and sighs. “I would not by my will have troubled you; but, since you make your pleasure of your pains, I will no further chide you.” He gives a sad smile, a smile of what was supposed to feel like final goodbyes.

Antonio places his hands on Dan’s shoulders. “I could not stay behind you. My desire, more sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth; and not all love to see you, though so much as might have drawn one to a longer voyage.”

They continue to play out the short scene, Dan nailing every line and only flubbing once after his voice cracks a little and it breaks his concentration. After the last line, Dan lets out a huge sigh of relief, his heart just beginning to relax but is jolted by a small applause from Kevin, Stanford, Chapman, and roughly half the audience. “That was perfect!” Stanford sounds ecstatic. “I don’t usually decide so quickly on these things, but we would love to have you play the part of Sebastian.”

Dan can’t seem to make any words come out of his mouth properly. He couldn’t possibly deal with such a big role. “I… don’t know, I-”

“You would be perfect.” Kevin insists, “The perfect Sebastian to Viola, and the perfect Sebastian to my Antonio.”

He touches Dan’s arm again, gentler this time, but now that Dan’s front is beginning to fade he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to get off this stage. He wants to go back to Phil. He wants Kevin to stop touching him. “Ok, I’ll do it.” Anything to get himself away as soon as possible.

Everything after that is a haze. Stanford and Kevin both seem excited. Dan gets down from the stage and Chapman pulls him aside to fill out a little more paperwork while Stanford continues the auditions. He rattles off info; signs a few things. Kevin comes by to shake his hand one more time and Dan manages a thank you smile for doing the scene with him. He says goodbye and walks as fast as he can towards the back doors. He’s halfway down the aisle before Phil stands up and meets him, following him out the doors and outside to the street. He sucks in a big breath of cold air, it bringing him back some. “What did I just sign myself up for?”

“You were amazing!” Phil drapes his jacket over Dan’s shoulders before giving him a giant hug, Dan pressing his face into Phil’s neck. “You were wonderful up on stage. I’m so proud of you!” He grabs Dan’s face and gives Dan a kiss, surprising him. “You were so brave and terrific and- God, I’m so proud of you.”

Dan’s mouth opens but he’s unable to speak. Phil being proud of him is great, it warms his heart so much, but… He panicked. His act failed and he broke under pressure and now he’s made a commitment he’s not sure he wants or that he can keep. When his front failed him before, he’d get punished. Now all he gets is a sick feeling of dread in his stomach.

“Hey, listen.” Phil pulls his attention and Dan tries his best to focus on him. “You went up on that stage thinking you’d get a minor part in a big play, and instead a bunch of people got to see just how amazing and talented you are. You just proved that you are meant for greater things than what you think yourself capable, and I hope you continue to push yourself to be the best person you can be.” Phil chuckles a little, “Not that you aren’t perfect as you are now, but-”

Dan can’t hold back a smile, a small amount of his anxiety lifting just being in Phil’s presence, and now these words have washed away some of his doubts. Maybe he can handle a bigger role. He is a good fit for Sebastian; around the right age and his features would work well to play a twin to a girl. “I just hope I don’t mess up.”

“So what if you do?” Phil shrugs, “Everybody does. You’re only human.”

“Yeah,” But to Dan messing up always feels like a death sentence, no matter how trivial the mistake. “I’m going to try hard not to though.”

“I’m always here if you need me.” Phil offers, “Even if you do know the play by heart, it wouldn’t hurt to practice it with someone.”

Dan agrees, and Phil says it’s about time they go out for that celebration dinner. They chat lightly about where they should go and what they’re in the mood for, but Dan becomes quiet, lost in thought over the play. All the times he’s read it and how he imagined each character. He’s never actually seen the play, and now he’s going to be in it. It feels a little weird.

They find a quiet place to eat and take a small booth in the back, settling down and being able to sit rather close to Phil. Drinks are ordered from a polite waiter and Phil starts asking him some questions about the play he had forgotten to ask before. Dan rattles off the answers, feeling much more comfortable now in his element and even daring to remove his hat, it being too warm, and lets his hair come down.

Phil eyes him a little before nudging him lightly. “With your hair you could play as Sebastian or Viola.” He teases.

His hand goes to his hair, brushing his fingers through the tangles like he usually does. “Maybe it’s time… that I finally cut it..?”

Phil’s playful smile fades. “Are you sure? I know I suggested it a while ago, but I didn’t know what it meant back then.”

He knows what it meant back then. It was a coping mechanism for his anxiety. A familiar thing in his life that though he didn’t grow it out by choice he had become attached to it. “I can’t have my beanie on while in costume.” He tells Phil blatantly, “And also, I don’t think I need it anymore. All it does for me now is serve as the last reminder of a time in my life I want to forget.” He’s moved past all of that. He has Phil now. That’s not going to change, and that means that he needs to make the last step to burying his life before Phil. “It needs to go.”

Phil leans in and gives him a small kiss, and then another and another. He pulls back and looks at Dan, pulling Dan’s hand away from his hair and grasping it firmly. “I’ll set up an appointment for you as soon as possible.”

Dan loves that idea.


	17. Chapter 17

His reflection doesn’t feel like his own. There’s so much missing. He can clearly see his ears, thanks to his now short hair. It’s also much curlier than he remembered. His long hair was a little wavy, but this is much more. It’s been what, four years? Four years, give or take, that Dan had been in captivity. Enough for his once fairly short hair to grow out past his shoulders and to keep it that length for a while. He hadn’t trimmed it at all since he’d been with Phil, either. He’d just let it go or stuffed it up under a hat.

But there is no hat now, only freshly cut hair that he can’t help but keep fidgeting with. He can’t push it behind his ears and he can’t play with it like he used to. He’s caught himself trying to grab for it a couple times, just reaching air or for his collar instead. Whenever he realized what he was doing he’d stop and grab Phil’s hand instead. Phil would simply smile and hold his hand gladly, asking if he’s ok. He’d calm back down soon after and forget all about his hair. It looks better like this anyway.

Theater practice has been going well so far. Phil was actually able to go with him the first few weeks of practice. Phil said that he had explained to Ms. Stanford about Dan’s panic attacks and that he was just there to sit in the audience for the support and that he’d stay out of the way of everything. Dan was surprised that Ms. Stanford agreed. Granted, he was glad Phil was right in his sights while he was on stage and it did make him feel better; he also felt a little embarrassed. He didn’t want any special treatment. He wanted to do this all on his own. After the first few weeks, he finally convinced Phil that he was ok to go by himself.

Having Phil not at practice anymore also helped Dan feel a little more accepted by everyone there. His impressive audition was known by everyone there, and it made him stick out more than he’d like. Ms. Stanford also encourages him whenever he performs. It’s nice, but he once overheard someone referring to him as a ‘teacher’s pet’; after that he’s tried to downplay her compliments a little. She doesn’t have it, though. She’s a stubborn; optimistic lady.

Dan spends a lot of time with Kevin. The majority of their stage time is together, and when they’re not on stage they’re either practicing backstage or sitting in the audience seats near each other. He likes Kevin. Dan would even go as far as to say he’s the first friend he’s made. It was weird at first, having someone he was slowly growing comfortable with besides Phil, but he’s ok with it now. He even waits with Dan after practice until Phil picks him up to make sure he’s ok.

The closer it gets to opening night the more energy can be felt in the theater; a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Each day more of the set gets finished being built and painted and everyone could start playing each scene in it’s proper settings. Everyone can recite their lines forwards and backwards by now. Dan has been working with the different suggestions that Kevin had been giving him. Little tweaks in how they play off each other during their scenes; Kevin holding onto Dan a little bit longer during their goodbye or how Dan should sound more flirtatious in their first scene so they sound more infatuated with each other. Dan never imagined Sebastian as sounding flirty towards Antonio, but maybe that’s how he’s really supposed to sound. Kevin said he’s done the play before, so Dan wants to follow his lead. He doesn’t want to mess anything up.

~

“Today’s the big day.” The smell of bacon wafts over to Dan, spinning slowly in his chair waiting for breakfast to be ready.

Dan covers his face with his sleeved hands. “I’m so nervous I think I’m going to puke on stage.”

“You’ll be fine.” He’s assured, “You’ll perform perfectly, we’ll go out to eat, then have a nice night at home celebrating.” Phil starts plating the eggs, sliding Dan a plate.

“Well, I told Kevin we could get coffee after the show, but right after that is dinner.”

Phil stops getting his own eggs, setting the spatula down in the pan. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m sorry, I was so excited when I came home last night I forgot to tell you.” He had finally seen the set pieces for his and Kevin’s main scene fully built and in place and he’s gushed about it to Phil as soon as he came to pick Dan up. “Kevin asked me out for coffee after our first performance to celebrate.”

“What do you mean he asked you out?” Phil clatters the plate on the the counter.

Dan picks at his eggs. “He wants to hang out and get some coffee after our first show today. I told him ok.”

“You mean he asked you out on a date?” Phil huffs, “Do you even know this guy well? What were you thinking?”

“I- I was excited! He just wants to hang out.” Dan crosses his arms.

“No, he asked you out on a date knowing we’re together. You’ve told him, right?”

“Of course I have.” Dan squeaks, but he manages to clear his throat and continue. “He’s seen us together before. He knows that I’m taken. That’s why he must have asked as a friend. He never said it was a date.”

Phil tsks. “Dan, believe me. A guy like him who acts the way he does with you isn’t interested in just being friends.”

Dan thinks he pauses for a full thirty seconds before he’s able to respond. “What do you mean?”

Phil falls down into the chair across from Dan, pushing his hair back. “I saw you two together after practice when I came to pick you up. He doesn’t just hang on you on stage.”

He’s never heard Phil like that before. So… bitter. Jealous. Dan doesn’t know if he likes it or not. “Phil, he- We’re just friends.”

Phil scoffs, leaning back and looking off towards the living room. “I doubt that’s what he wants.”

It starts then. The shaking, the heat; the churning of his stomach. “Are you saying he..? He wants to…”

The shaky breath he lets out then finally calls back Phil’s attention, his face immediately softening. “No, Dan, I- I didn’t mean-”

“Is that all you think people want from me?” Dan’s voice raises.

Phil stands back up, his hand moving to reach for his but Dan pulls away. “Dan, that’s not what I meant!”

“Leave me alone!” He stands up and stomps off towards the bedroom, Phil trying to explain himself behind him but Dan is not listening.

“Dan, I just meant he’s too flirty with you and I worry about what he might try to do! I didn’t mean he wants anything like that from you! I know you wouldn’t!” Phil’s words tumble out messily, trying to get his point across.

Dan gets to the door and turns around. “It doesn’t matter if I wouldn’t! No one cares what I want, it’s what they want!” It’s how it’s always been, hasn’t it? Even when he thinks he’s gained his free will; when he’s truly started to do something that he wants to do, it was only really because Phil had pushed him to do it. It’s always ever been for someone else. Everything.

Phil’s eyes go wide. “Dan, I-”

“People want to keep me locked up, they want me quiet, complaisant. They want to fill some fantasy, to fuck me, for me to beg for them. You want me to be sheltered but at the same time roam free. Be caged but for you to be able to carry that cage anywhere you or I like to go.” Phil pulls back, face twisting like he’s hurt.

“Dan, I’m sorry.” Phil grabs towards him, but when he reached towards Phil he pushes him. He ends up pushing himself back more than pushing Phil, but still.

“No!” All at once the tears fall, he steps back and closes the door. His head hits the wood in front of him, hand still on the knob. He can hear Phil apologizing on the other side, over and over ‘I’m sorry’, but he can’t care. Maybe he overreacted. Maybe he should accept Phil’s apology. But not at that moment. At that moment, he needs to do this. For himself. His fingers find the lock on the doorknob, and twist it.

The audible click stops Phil. Dan holds his breath for what feels like forever.

A small shuffle. A final “I’m sorry.” Then silence.

Dan feels more alone than ever.


End file.
